The Lies We Tell Ourselves
by ysar
Summary: "The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid." The lie he told to protect her has had nine years to destroy her, and it's time to pick up the pieces.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** When I began writing this around a year ago, it was in small pieces, little scenes all thrown into a pile, back and forth in short snippets between the past and the present...but I was stumped as to how to paste it all together. Apparently I don't recognize a drabble fic when I write it.

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**~2011~**

I awake with a start, my sheets twisted tightly around my legs as proof that I've spent the entire night tossing and turning. Nothing unusual there. Ever since my sister announced her engagement, I've been having nightmares, my sleep plagued with horrific visions of the worst thing I've ever done.

I don't want to get on that plane. I don't want to fly home and see _her_. But missing your sister's wedding because you don't want to face an old girlfriend is apparently not an acceptable excuse. I should know. I tried it. In return I received an earful of the most hateful, curse-filled screaming one could possibly endure, a soft-spoken but ultimately ball-shrinking lecture from my mom, and a threat from my brother to simply beat me to a pulp and deposit my bloodied body in the church anyway. There was clearly no getting out of it. My one hope, the only spot in the whole mess that even hinted at something bright, is that she has moved on. Perhaps she'll walk in on the arm of a millionaire, three chestnut-haired kids in tow, sporting the Hope diamond and that sweet smile I remember so well. It'll kill me, but it'll also tell me what I need so badly to know; that I made the right decision.

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_**Find me here: www{.}ysar{.}info**_


	2. Chapter 2

_~2000~_

_"Good night, Edward," she says with a shy smile. "Thanks for rescuing me."_

_Bella's prom date backed out at the last minute, and I found her crying on Alice's shoulder two days ago. Alice gave me that look, the one that said, 'You can fix this, you know,' and that's exactly what I'd done._

_She positively glowed tonight, letting me twirl her around the dance floor as her classmates looked on in envy. They're jealous of her beauty, of the fact that she's escorted by a college junior, of the way she shines without even trying . _

_I tried like hell to get out of it, even offering Emmett money if he'd take her instead. But when she came bouncing up to me, all smiles and sparkling eyes, so excited about her dress and dinner and the silly boutonnière she'd ordered for me, I didn't have it in me to tell her I was too old to be going to high school dances._

_She looks stunning, even after hours of dancing and a lot of stepping on my toes. As she stands in the dim light on her front porch, her hair beginning to tumble from the clips that pin it up in soft curls, I find myself at a crossroad. Bella is no longer the little girl who, with my sister, follows me around and gets on my last nerve. She's suddenly older, beautiful, curvy. I don't want to think of her that way. On so many levels it's just wrong. I'm twenty-one; she's seventeen. I'm an adult; she's still a kid. I'm falling in love with her, have been for years. She has no idea._

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Banner: www(.)ysar(.)info/the-lies-we-tell-ourselves


	3. Chapter 3

_~2011~_

The city limit sign rolls into view, and I brace myself for what I'm about to see. The school where she'd sat in the bleachers, cheering me on at each football game. The diner where we'd gone on our first "date" exactly one week after I'd gotten my license, even though she was far too young for the romantic feelings that would later develop on my part. The grocery store where she'd taken an after school job. The two-story white house with the rusty old truck in the driveway. It's like stepping back in time. The only thing missing is the cruiser.

"Come on, man! Time to get drunk!" Emmett yells in my ear, clapping his enormous mitt on my shoulder and nearly knocking me over.

I've barely had time to get my suitcases to my old room, and I've only just met Alice's fiancé Jasper. But Emmett's ready to party, and if I know anything, it's that there's no stopping him. Mom warns us all to be careful and behave respectably, and Dad just laughs. I know they're happy I'm home again, even if I'm being ushered out the door only five minutes after arriving. The truth is that I'm glad for the escape. I don't want to face the forced conversation, the careful avoidance of certain topics, the disappointment I'll see in their eyes when they don't know I'm looking.

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Say hello: twitter(.com)/ysar


	4. Chapter 4

_~2000~_

_She turns and reaches for the doorknob, and I catch her other wrist without thinking. She turns back toward me, a cute little 'v' forming between her brows, her confusion evident._

_'Edward?" she finally prods softly, and I realize I've just been holding on to her and staring._

_'Bella…I…" I don't know what to say, how to say it. But it's now or never. "Can I kiss you?" I ask, my voice cracking as the unfamiliar question passed through my lips._

_I've never had to ask for a kiss before. The girls I usually date, if you can call it that, make it more than clear that they're up for just about anything I want to do to them. But with Bella, I'm not so sure. What if she still looks at me as a big brother? What if there's someone else she has her heart set on? What if I'm just a complete pervert for looking at a seventeen year old girl like this?_

_Her eyes grow wide, and her mouth forms a breathless "o" as the sweetest pink blush creeps up her face. She immediately drops her gaze to her feet and mumbles something I can't make out._

_"What was that?" I ask, praying that she won't follow with something along the lines of, "You're disgusting."_

_"You don't have…I mean…I don't expect that, Edward," she say, her voice a little stronger, but her eyes still refusing to meet mine._

_"I didn't ask if you expected it," I say, suddenly finding my courage. "I asked if I could…because I really want to."_

_Her eyes fly back up to mine, and I watch as surprise and happiness and maybe a little bit of fear ignite inside that warm brown. "Okay," she barely whispers._

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	5. Chapter 5

_~2011~_

We pile into Emmett's obnoxiously big Jeep, Jasper calling shotgun as Mike, Tyler, and I squeeze uncomfortably in the back seat. Fortunately, the ride to Lloyd's Tavern, Forks' poor excuse for a bar, is short.

Emmett has apparently called ahead, because the place is packed with people I recognize from high school, several of them doing the awkward man-hug thing when they see me and asking about my life in the big city. Within a few minutes we've shoved three tables together, and I'm surrounded by people I didn't care to remember.

Nine years. It's been nine years since I've been home. Family holidays are spent at my apartment in Los Angeles, my whole family flying in and staying in hotels so we can have catered meals around my dining room table. I've always insisted I can't get away from work, but the truth is that I want to leave the town of Forks in the past, forget about it and move on. The only problem is that I've never really managed the moving on part. Or the forgetting.

I was in California for nearly three years before I even asked another woman out. Sure, there'd been a few one night stands, each one as disappointing as the next, but never a real date. When I finally did put myself out there, it was always for some superficial creature that was more interested in my name and my money than a real relationship. The truth was that it was fine with me. If I'd been cruel enough to find a woman who wanted a home and a family and children, I never could have kept her happy. I suppose I could have faked it for a while, but it all would have gone to shit eventually. The fact was that I'd left my heart in Forks, broken into a million sharp little pieces and spread out at the feet of the only woman I never wanted to hurt.

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	6. Chapter 6

_~2000~_

_I release her wrist and bring my hand up to her face, the heel of my palm under her chin, my fingertips resting against her soft jaw line, and my thumb brushing over her cheek. I stepped forward, tilting her face up to mine and leaning in, breathing in the heavenly scent I've been lost in all night. My heart skips a beat as her eyes flutter shut. I gently touch my lips to hers, a part of me still expecting her to slap me. Instead I am nearly knocked backward as her body collides with mine, her hands snaking around my neck, her fingers tangling in my hair. _

_I can feel every curve of her pressed against me, every heartbeat pounding behind the soft breasts molded against my chest. My hands find their way to her hips, jerking her hard against me, pressing myself, aroused and fully erect, against her stomach. Her lips part in a sharp gasp and her eyes fly open in alarm._

_Trying to play it off, I give what I'm sure is an embarrassed smile, and I take a small step backward. But joy dances in her eyes, and her lips curve up in a seductive smirk, and before I know it, my tongue is in her mouth, my hands creeping up her waist, her leg lifting and curling around mine. Yes, I am going to hell, and yes, I am happy to do so, as is the very beautiful, very eager girl whose body is grinding against mine._

_We jerk apart suddenly, as enough floodlights to light up an airport runway suddenly flick on, and I can't help but smile at the mischievous, blushing girl now standing a safe distance away from me. The front door creaks open, and I shrug off my suit jacket, holding it as casually as I can in front of me as I try to hide the physical evidence that will surely get me arrested or killed._


	7. Chapter 7

_~2011~_

Lloyd's Tavern is one of the few places in Forks not haunted by memories of Bella, so while I could do without the cheap beer, secondhand smoke, and off tempo music of the so-called band on stage, it's probably the best place for me. Still, I can't help but imagine her, sitting at the bar, sipping on a…I wonder what she would drink. She hadn't yet been old enough when I left.

Or maybe she'd be leaning over the pool table, her cute ass popping out just before she misses the shot entirely. Or standing in the line to the ladies room, laughing with Alice and making eyes at me from across the room. I look around, hoping in vain to see her but knowing better. The closest I find is a small brunette, swaying her hips fluidly as she twirls around in front of the stage, arms raised in the air, and hair hanging over her face. But her hair is too dark and her moves too smooth to be Bella.

"So how'd you and Alice meet?" I ask, turning my attention back to the guys at our table.

Jasper pales, nervousness overtaking his expression, and the raucous laughter was there just a second ago dies into a tension filled silence.

"Uh…well..I sort of dated a friend of hers," he said, looking at Emmett like he expects some kind of confirmation.

"Yeah, they met through a friend," Emmett chimes in.

"Friend my ass!" Mike snorts loudly as he returns with a forty ounce bottle of malt liquor. Yes, this is _definitely_ a classy establishment. "More like he was fucking her friend. Actually, Edward, I think y-"

Whatever he's going to say is cut off by Emmett's massive elbow in his side.

"Shut up, man," he hisses threateningly while Mike whines about his spleen and various other organs that he's sure are crushed. "It's Jazz's night, dude. No talking shit about him."


	8. Chapter 8

_~2000~_

_"How was the dance?" Chief Swan asks, his eyes narrowing as he takes in Bella's flushed cheeks and freshly kissed lips before he turns his suspicious glare on me._

_"It was great, Dad," Bella says with a beaming smile. 'We danced to almost every song!"_

_He mumbles something that sounds a lot like "I'll bet," as he trains his best 'I can kill you and destroy the evidence' look on me._

_"We had a nice time, Chief Swan," I say, trying hard to sound more like Alice's big brother that the guy who'd come dangerously close to groping the police chief's daughter._

_"It's late, Bells," he says, his eyes still on me._

_"Okay, Dad," she says. "Just let me say goodnight, okay?"_

_He gives a kind of caveman grunt and steps back inside, leaving the door wide open and all the lights on._

_"Tonight was wonderful, Edward," Bella says, her chin tucked as she looks shyly up at me._

_"Can I…um…do you want to go…somewhere…dinner, maybe? Tomorrow, I mean?" I stutter, refusing to let go of what we've started._

_Her smile outshines the giant spotlights her father has us under, and she practically leaps forward, laughing as she kisses me hard and quick on the lips. "That would be perfect!" she says._

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_Should be at least one more update today, not sure about tomorrow...depends on whether or not I end up in a food coma._


	9. Chapter 9

_~2011~_

I take a swig of the swill they call beer and lean back in my chair, waiting for someone to fill me in on what just happened. Instead, Emmett asks Mike about his wife, Jessica, and Mike starts bragging about his house and kids. If he wasn't such a dufus, it might be sweet. But instead he just sounds like one of those assholes at a class reunion, trying to one-up everyone else.

My mind wanders, as do my eyes, looking around the smoke filled room once again. I make the mistake of meeting the eye of a bleach blonde wearing too much makeup, and I immediately duck my head back toward the conversation. But it's too late.

"Hey, there," she says in a voice far too husky to be attractive. Her hot pink plastic nails graze down my arm, giving me the kind of goosbumps you get when someone scratches a chalkboard. Again, she misreads me, mistaking my shiver for attraction. "I'm Lauren," she says.

I look up at the guys, silently pleading for help, only to be met by their amused smirks.

"Lauren, honey, this is Edward," Emmett says smoothly, daring me to punch him.

"Edward…oh yeah, I remember you," she purrs drunkenly. "We should get together and relive old times."

"Tell you what," I say, leaning in close enough to whisper, "I can't really ditch my buddies right now, but you can meet me later. You know that red house behind the old library?"

"Uh-huh," she nods.

"Midnight."

She laughs and blinks at me like there's something in her eye and then walks away, shaking her lumpy ass and blowing a kiss over her shoulder.

"Damn, Edward. How'd you get rid of her so fast?" Tyler asks.

"Told her to meet me later," I say. "But I might have given her the wrong address."

Emmett laughs loudly, slapping me across the back a little too rough, and I just play it off. He'll probably hit me a lot harder after Lauren shows up at his house.

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_Want recs? Check out TweetAFic(.)blogspot(.)com_


	10. Chapter 10

_~2001~_

_"Is this okay?" I ask. I'm nervous, scared she'll go through with it, and terrified she'll back out._

_"It's perfect," she says, beaming another one of her perfect smiles at me as she takes in the candles and rose petals I spent so long arranging._

_"It's not too cheesy?" I ask, still needing her reassurance._

_I've never really been a romance kind of guy, but I know Bella deserves something special, something thoughtful, something better than I would do for anyone else._

_She steps forward into the room and turns in a circle, her big brown eyes absorbing every detail._

_We've finally graduated, me from college, and she from high school, and we've decided to move in together. Chief Swan had a fit, of course, ending with a few poorly aimed shots at my beloved Volvo as I tore out of his driveway. But a few days later he surprised me with a call, inviting me to what would be a very uncomfortable, though ultimately satisfying talk over dinner. _

_Bella and I shopped for apartments for weeks, finally finding one in our price range that wasn't too far from UDub, where she's enrolled for her first semester of college, and just a couple of blocks away from the gallery where I'll now be working full time._

_After signing the lease, I insisted that Bella stay home for just one more week while I got everything ready, wanting to surprise her by doing all the unpacking and furnishing the place before she moved in. And now we're here, standing in what will be _our_ bedroom, and I'm nervous as hell._

_She stands by the side of the bed, facing me, and begins unbuttoning her blouse. I want to step forward, undress her myself. But I am rooted to the spot, my eyes drinking in the gorgeous woman before me. I inhale sharply as she slides it from her shoulders, giggling as the cuff catches on her watch. She slips her shoes off and shimmies her jeans over her hips, kicking them to the side before a full body blush covers her skin. She bites her bottom lip nervously, never taking her eyes off me._

_She's everything I've imagined and more. Her pale skin is luminous against the cornflower blue lace of her bra and matching panties, and while I want to stare at her forever, just like this, my body has other plans._


	11. Chapter 11

~2011~

The talking continues, growing louder as more and more pitchers of beer are emptied, and one by one the crowd dwindles down. I know I'll probably regret it after drinking beer all night, but I'm beginning to loosen up, and I want something that wasn't brewed in someone's basement, so I get up and walk over to the bar.

"Scotch?" I ask.

The grizzled old man look at me like I've just ordered a live giraffe, but when I don't say anything else, he reaches under the bar and pulls out a dusty old bottle. Well, at least I know it's aged well.

I drop a twenty, telling him to keep the change, and turn around, leaning back on the bar as I sip my drink. The dark haired girl is still twirling in her lazy, solitary circle, but her hair is finally pushed back out of her face. She's actually kind of pretty, but occasionally she opens her eyes, sneering at any man that comes too close, and her beauty fades into something downright frightening. The band launches into a slow song, and as the soft strumming begins, I heard the clanking of bells against the door behind me. I turn to see who's drifting in so late and end up sucking my scotch right past my throat and into my lungs.

Her fingers are brushing over her hair, trying to calm the strangely tousled locks, and then she wipes the back of her hand across her lips and tugs the hem of her shirt down. Her skin is flushed and her eyelids heavy, reminding me of that just-sexed look she used to have so often when we were together. My stomach drops when I see a man's hand snake around her waist, resting far too low on her hip to be construed as platonic, but that feeling is quickly replaced by rage when I see the hand belongs to none other than Mike Newton. He whispers something in her ear, and she shrugs. He glances around worriedly, and then looks relieved as he rejoins the guys at our table. It doesn't escape my notice that his shirt is untucked.


	12. Chapter 12

_~2001~_

_We've enjoyed our fair share of heated make out sessions in my car or when we sneak upstairs before dinner at my parents' house, but we've never gone all the way. Not that we haven't wanted to; the timing's just never right. N__ow that we're living together, he has no choice, but before...well, I'd have had more access to Bella if her dad locked her in a tower guarded by a dragon or something._

_It didn't matter how respectful I was or how well I behaved. Chief Swan barely let Bella out of his sight when I was around, even stopping in a couple of times when we were on dates. I could only come into town on weekends, and he made sure he was off work every time. I know it's no coincidence that we saw an awful lot of cop cars every time we went out, and the thought of being caught in a compromising position was enough to make both of us too nervous to get very far. Even so, there were probably a hundred times we could have sneaked in a quick fuck and gone back to whatever it was we were supposed to be doing, but I didn't want it to be like that. I wanted more for her, more for me, to be able to fall asleep holding her and wake up with her in my arms. I actually tried to arrange it a couple of times, reserving the honeymoon suite at the Four Seasons on at least a dozen occasions, but each time Chief Swan waited until the last minute before putting his foot down and deciding that his daughter, eighteen years old or not, had no business spending the night in Seattle, no matter how many times Bella lied and insisted she'd be staying with Alice._

_I kiss her softly, trying to recreate the feeling of that first kiss, and Bella responds just as I expect her to, throwing herself at me and tempting me to just toss her on the bed and take her._

_"Patience, love," I whisper against her lips._

_She draws back and pouts, that plump bottom lip taunting me, begging to be kissed and nibbled and sucked. So of course, I do. I kiss her long and hard, dipping my tongue into her mouth as I cup her breast in one hand and her ass in the other. She gasps and moans and arches into me, and when I feel her legs begin to give way, I press her back onto the bed. _

_"Welcome home," I say._

_She responds by slipping her hand down my pants._

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A/N: i know i'm a giant loser who doesn't respond to reviews, but i'm totally loving all y'all's guesses and comments...i'm just lazy and easily distracted, and while i tell myself i'm gonna respond, i always end up burying myself in some project...or Zombie Lane.


	13. Chapter 13

_~2011~_

I down the rest of my scotch and tap my glass on the bar, signaling the old man for a refill, which I empty in one gulp. I try handing him money, but he waves me off, so I turned back to the room, trying to decide if I want to confront Bella first or Mike. But Bella's gone.

I walk over to the dimly lit hallway leading to the restrooms and find it's empty, so I scan the pool tables and dartboards but see no sign of her. Mike it is.

I stalk over to the table and jerk the chair next to Mike out.

"So where'd you run off to?" I ask as I clamp an arm over his shoulder so he can't turn tail and run.

"What?" he asks, looking like he's been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

"I saw you walk in with her," I say.

"Who?" Emmett asks, his eyes darkening as he levels his gaze on Mike.

Good. At least I know one person here will back me up.

"Bella," I reply. I turn back to Mike. "Care to explain?"

"Look, man, it's not what you think," he says. "I didn't fuck her."

I want to rip his head off. I might have been gone for nearly a decade, but I'm not about to let anyone talk about Bella that way, even if it's to say they _didn't_.

"Edward, dude, calm down," Emmett says, noticing the spike in my anger. "She's different now."

"Different how?" I ask.

"She's just…she's moved on."

"With this little shit? This _married_ little shit?" I ask, gripping Mike tighter until he begins to squirm.

"It's not like that," Mike insists.

"Why don't you tell me exactly how it is?" I ask, my suggestion clearly more of a demand.

"She…well, Jessica doesn't…she won't…" he stammers. "Bella's always..you know.._willing_."


	14. Chapter 14

_~2001~_

_What little control I have is broken, and I press into her hand, her fingers straining to wrap around my cock beneath the restrictive fabric of my jeans. I draw her nipple into my mouth, sucking hard against the lace as I reach down to undo my belt and ditch every piece of clothing I have on. She releases her hold to help push my boxers down, and I take advantage of the moment, standing quickly to shed them before pushing her thighs apart and running my tongue over the pretty lace that covers what I want most._

_Her hips jerk up, pressing into my face, and I push them back down again, holding her still._

_She nods, her eyes wide and her breaths coming in short pants as I raise up on my knees and hook my fingers under each side of her panties, pulling them down over her smooth thighs and finally tossing them aside. _

_I kiss up the insides of her thighs, stopping each time she bucks upward until she settles down again, and finally find myself right there, my face just inches away from that part of her I've only touched in rushed, dark sessions before. To have her here, splayed out before me, offering that sweet slick wetness my tongue craves…it's beyond heaven._

_She's surprisingly strong for her size, her hips wresting free of my hold and pushing up against my face. Her hands are in my hair, trying to force me closer, needing more, needing me. I chuckle, and her whole body shudders, a small whimper escaping her lips. "Please…" she breathes, and I can't deny her._


	15. Chapter 15

_~2011~_

He hasn't even closed his mouth when my fist crashes against his face, my knuckles splitting against his teeth. He pitches sideways, taking the chair with him, and rolls away as I rear back to kick him.

"What's the big deal?" he yells.

Suicidal prick. I grab an empty pitcher, ready to smash it into his face, when my arm was suddenly stuck straight up in the air, Mike cringing on the ground below me.

"Let it go, Edward," Emmett says, yanking me backward by my oddly positioned arm.

"You're not gonna tell Jess, are you?" Mike asks, looking around at everyone but me. "She wouldn't understand," he offers as an explanation.

"Calm down," Emmett says just loud enough that only I can hear. "You've been gone a long time, Edward. Things have changed. _She's_changed."

I try reining it in, the rage that seeps from every pore, and shake my head violently, trying to will away the image of another man touching my Bella, _using_ my Bella like that.

"Umm…are we cool?" Mike asks, now standing safely on the other side of the table and half behind Jasper.

I shake my head, afraid if I even try to say anything, my fists will take over again.

"It's not just me, man," he says, holding his hands up in a surrendering gesture. "That girl's fucked half the town."


	16. Chapter 16

_~2001~_

_Her body writhes beneath me, her breathing becoming soft panting, as her hands push against the back of my head and pull at my hair. In an instant, her entire body arches upward, my name in screams filling the room as her thighs grip my shoulders and her pussy clenches in tight spasms around my fingers. I slow my movements, waiting as her mind returns to her flushed body, and then I pull myself up to lie over her and settle between her thighs. If we're going to do this, it needs to be now, while her body's still fresh from her orgasm and ready._

_"It's gonna hurt, isn't it?" she asks, looking up at me with so much more trust than I ever thought possible._

_"Probably," I answer, wishing with all my heart that it didn't have to. "I'll be as careful as I can, love. Just tell me if it's too much, okay?"_

_She nods, biting down on that plump bottom lip again, and I kiss her softly, nipping and tugging at it until she lets go as I positionmy cock against her entrance. Her eyes are filled with love and nervousness and fear and trust as I push slowly inside her, watching for the first sign of pain. At first she looks surprised, and her lips curve up in a tiny smile as I press deeper. The instant I hit her barrier, I stop, not really feeling it there so much as feeling her entire body tense._

_"Don't stop," she says softly._

_I'm not sure how to do this. Plunge in quickly, chancing that the pain will be brief, like ripping off a band aid? Or ease in gently, prolonging her discomfort but maybe lessening the overall pain? Clearly my hesitation didn't sit well with her, as before I have a chance to react, her hips thrust upward, sheathing me deep inside her as her eyes shut tightly and her mouth contorts into a grimace. I hold perfectly still, afraid to move, ignoring every instinct that tells me to pull and thrust inside her. Every muscle in her body is taut, her fingers digging into my arms so hard I'm sure her nails are cutting through my skin. But the worst is happening…lower. _

_"Bella," I gasp, trying to ignore the tight clenching of around me. "Relax, baby. Please," I groan. _

_Her eyes fly open, shining with unshed tears, and every thought of my own pleasure simply vanishes. I kiss her lips, her cheeks, her nose, her forehead. "It'll hurt less if you can relax," I say._

_She nods, letting out a shaky breath as she closes her eyes and seemingly wills her body to ease up. Her fingers unclench and rub over my arms, her legs lower, and slowly, tortuously, her grip around my cock loosens. I watch her, practically holding my breath, until I my arms began to burn from holding myself still for so long. Just as I'm afraid I'll begin shaking from the stress, she nods and tentatively rocks her hips. I drop my weight to my elbows, letting out my own relieved sigh, and thrust shallowly inside her. _

_"I'm okay," she breathes. "You can move more." _

_She wraps her legs around my waist, and I begin pumping faster and faster, as her body rises to meet mine, until I'm thrusting in earnest. I want it to last longer, to show her that I have some stamina, but I'm afraid it'll be too much. I know this can't be comfortable for her, and she'll be sore enough without my drawing it out and making it worse. So instead of thinking of my grandmother's beige underwear draped over the shower curtain rod, I revel in the feeling of Bella's soft body beneath mine, her tight warmth gripping my cock, the sweet sounds she makes as her skin takes on the delicious sheen of sweat._

_"Bella, I…" I try to say, but it's too late. All my energy is coiled tightly, ready to spring loose and spill into her. I open my mouth again, trying to speak, feeling like I need to warn her or explain somehow, but a loud strangled grunt is all I can manage as I come, burying my face in her soft hair and finally managing to whisper my love for her as I twitch inside her._

_Her hands are cradling my head to her shoulder, and her legs fall from around me. Once I catch my breath, I raise up to look at her, and her eyes are sparkling, her mouth turned up in a wide grin. God, I love this woman._

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last chapter was highest reviewed so far. i figure that earns you another chapter today.  
now tell me...what do you think took them from this scene to crappily ever after? got a theory?  
one of you has already made a guess that's spot on.


	17. Chapter 17

_~2011~_

I'm pinned against the wall outside the bar, Emmett's arm pressed heavily against my throat as he holds my wrists over my head, grinding them painfully against the brick façade.

"Not me, Eddie," he sighs. "You know I'd never touch her."

"But…?" I couldn't even ask it.

"What exactly are you asking me, Ed?"

"I...I don't..." I choke on my words. Something inside me crumbles, breaking and melting and turning to lead, pulling me down into some cold abyss as I slump forward. Emmett drops my hands and eases up on my neck, only to have to catch me as I slide down the wall.

"It's not what you think. You know how gossip is in small towns," he says, trying to console me. "She's had it rough, but Mike's... God, he's such an ass."

Before I can respond or break down in tears, the door flies open, and a huge dark-skinned guy steps out, laughing as he carries a shrieking woman slung over his shoulder. Her chestnut hair brushes over his back as she slaps at him, and I hang my head, not wanting to see the ghost of the girl I've always loved.

"Wait!" she exclaims. "I know him!"

I chance opening my eyes and look up. Her face is the same, older maybe, but still soft and sweet, those uneven lips pulled into a drunken smile.

"Edward!" she says too happily.

The big guy spins around, whipping her face from my view to look me over. "Him?" he asks, still eyeing me warily.

"Yes! Turn me around!" she demands, laughing loudly.

He spins again, and she pushes against his back to raise herself up and look at me. Her head cocks to the side, like she's trying to figure something out, and then her flat, lifeless eyes meet mine.

"You cut your hair," she says, seemingly oblivious to the fact that I'm practically lying on the ground, and she's hanging upside down over some brute's back. "It looked better the other way," she says, and then she slaps his ass and demands, "Go!" dropping her head as he carries her off across the dark parking lot.

"You okay, man?" Jasper asks.

I didn't even hear him come outside.

"Did you...?" I ask, already knowing the answer.

"It was before I knew Alice," he says, looking away, looking ashamed. "Bella's actually the one who introduced us."

* * *

A/N: sorry this is so late! i usually log in from work to update, but work kind of exploded today. i even forgot to eat.


	18. Chapter 18

_~2002~_

_I've finally done it. I've finally managed to get a real showing of my work at a real gallery in a real city - Los Angeles. And what's even better is that they put me on contract - I produce a set number of pieces a year, working exclusively with them in some sort of "new artists" program. Alice says it sounds like indentured service, and sure, I'm sort of stuck with them, but I've tried for months to have my work showcased at the Seattle gallery where I work. All they've every been able to give me is one piece in an out of the way corner when they didn't have enough to fill the walls. No one buys pieces that are practically hidden, and my meager salary isn't cutting it. I'll be out of savings soon if we stay here. But now we won't have to._

_Bella will be so excited, and while I know she won't want to move so far away from her family and friends, I have no doubt she'll follow me anywhere. We can fly down this weekend, start looking for a new place. There are plenty of good colleges in the area, too, so finishing her degree won't be a problem. And there we'll be, the artist and the writer, sitting comfortably in our loft somewhere creating our art together. _

_I'm so excited I'm ready to burst, and Bella's in class for the next several hours, so I make the long drive to my parents' house, desperate to share the good news with someone. I've known about this for nearly a month, but I was waiting for the advance they promised. I've already rented out an empty loft that will make for an amazing workspace, and what's left should be enough for the move and helping with the much higher rent. _

_Mom isn't home, and Dad's on the phone, so I go into his office to wait for him. It's in his home office that all serious discussions about my behavior, my mistakes, my future have always taken place, so it only makes sense. __His desk is a disaster, as usual, covered in notes written on the backs of prescriptions and haphazardly stacked piles of manila folders. I settle myself in his cushy leather chair and wait, letting my eyes roam over the mess. _

_'Swan, Charles A.'_

_ Huh?_

_I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. I know it's unethical, probably even illegal, but I don't think about that, telling myself this is for Bella. What I don't know is that this will change everything._


	19. Chapter 19

_~2011~_

I refuse to go back to the house. I don't want to be around anyone right now, especially the apparently dozens of men who've bedded Bella in my absence. Okay, maybe not that many. By my count there are just two. and Emmett seems to...I don't know. I just get a strange feeling from him. It's clear he knows a hell of a lot more than he's saying, but then again he's not really saying anything. I think it's just rumors, but it's killing me nonetheless.

Emmett finally relents and checks me into the old hotel a block from the bar, saying he'll pick me up in the morning and making me promise not to go anywhere without calling him. I'm definitely not going anywhere...unless crazy counts. The realization that I caused this washes over me like a sickness, crushing my lungs and twisting my stomach until I heave the night's beer and hot wings into the toilet I'm gripping like a fucking life preserver.

What happened to her? Where's that sweet, innocent girl I fell so completely in love with, the one who held my heart through all the empty years while I tried in vain to move on with my life. I told myself she'd move on, that she'd make a new life for herself, that she'd be happier. Instead I come home to find an empty shell of what was once the most beautiful creature in the world.

I know my leaving hurt her. If the timing had been different, if I hadn't been stupid enough to look through my dad's files, if I had just waited six more months before signing on...things would have been so different. Well, they're terribly different now, with the emphasis on terrible.


	20. Chapter 20

_"Edward."_

_My father's cold, quiet voice catches me by surprise, and I drop the file._

_"How long?" I ask._

_"You shouldn't have seen that," he says, avoiding my question altogether._

_"How long?" I yell, demanding to know just how much more time she'll have with the man she loves so much._

_"Six months? A year? There are no guarantees, son," he says apologetically._

_"I have to call her," I say, trying to push past him, but in a rare show of force, my peaceful, calm father grabs me by the shoulders and shoves me down into a chair._

_"You can't say anything."_

_"What the fuck, Dad? I can't keep something like this from her! He's her father!"_

_"And it's his choice, son. He's the one who has to deal with it. Let him do it his way."_

_"His way…" I shake my head. What the fuck am I supposed to do now?_

_I race home, now desperate to beat Bella there. I have to make some calls. I have to get out of this gallery deal. _

_Only I already spent the advanced check. Signed a two year lease on that fucking loft space. Maybe I can get out of it, get the deposit back. _

_I have to do something, though. We can't move now, not now that Charlie's dying._


	21. Chapter 21

I groan and roll over, kicking the cheap scratchy, probably unwashed sheets off the end of the bed.

I can't sleep. There's too much noise in my head, not not to mention the noise from the other side of the wall. Thank God cheap motels have false headboards nailed into the wall. But I could still hear the creaking of the old mattress springs and the loud grunts of someone fucking. I started to wonder if it was just one person, as no other sounds came from room for the rest of the night.

Daylight comes, and between the hangover and the lack of sleep, I'm sure I look like death warmed over. Coffee would probably help. Or maybe I should just walk back to Lloyds and get my drink on. I wonder if it's open at...What time is it? Nine?

The rehearsal dinner is tonight, and to say I don't want to go is an understatement. I'd rather bathe in acid. But I'm here, dying a little more with each second that passes, and if I'm lucky, this town really will kill me. I don't see any other way the hurt will go away.

I check to make sure I haven't left anything in the room. There's a sock beneath the bed that definitely isn't mine, so I leave it. Lost and found here probably just lands things in the pawn shop, so once I'm sure I've got my phone and keys and more pain than any man should know, I step outside into the glaring light of day.

As I'm pulling my door closed, the one next to me opens. The big dude from last night tosses some skinny dark-haired guy out, threatening to kill him, while the sneering girl from the bar screams at the big guy. He ignores her and turns to me instead.

"You," he says. Nothing else.

Bella steps out of the room, then, and I know for certain I won't survive my time here. Her jeans are unbuttoned and she's not wearing a bra. I'm sure of that because she's holding it in her hand. The big guy grabs it, stuffs it in his pocket, and pull her along behind him.

I watch as they get on a motorcycle and drive away, barely registering the fact that she didn't even look my way. Clearly there was more than one person in that room last night, and I'm doubled over, dry heaving.

* * *

did you see my pretty new TwiFicCentral(.)com?


	22. Chapter 22

Dolphin4442 says I should post another chapter now...

* * *

___~2001_

___They're suing me? _

___I try everything. I beg, bargain, and flat out refuse, but I can't get out of this deal. I even try a lawyer of my own, but apparently a contract is a contract, and while they may be heartless bastards, I'm the dumbass that signed my freedom away. I should have listened to Alice. I should have told Bella about it before. She would have talked some sense into me, kept me from spending the money so fast. But rent is high in L.A., even for empty workspaces, and I thought I was doing something great. Turns out I was just building a prison for myself. There's no way out, and I can't take Bella._

_Charlie hasn't said one damned word. He knows I know, and he's still keeping his fucking secret. Pancreatic cancer should not be a secret. _

_He wants me to take Bella anyway, move to L.A., and just go on with our lives. But she'll never forgive me if I do that. Even he admits that much. _

_I try to talk some sense into him, but he's ornery and determined to go out on his own terms. I try yelling. No dice. I try begging, pleading with him until I'm in tears and ready to kill him myself. But no, he refuses to say a word to her, refuses to let me warn her that the world is turning upside down. I can't say I've ever been close to Charlie Swan, but right now I fucking hate the man._

_I think about telling her anyway, but that stubborn old shit makes it clear that there'll be hell to pay. Not just for me. For my dad, too, since he's the one who technically broke the doctor-patient confidentiality clause. _

_So I'm stuck. _

_Bella can't leave her dad, not now, not when she won't have him much longer. She needs to focus on herself, on him. She'd probably go with me anyway, even if she knew the truth. But I can't let her do that. I can't let her sacrifice her father for me. _

_I have to tell her I'm going without her. She won't understand. I know that. But I have to. It's the only way. I just don't know how._


	23. Chapter 23

~2011

Emmett picks me up as promised, and I'm all too ready to leave. Well, I _was._ I sort of forgot about sending that Lauren chick to his place, and apparently Rose wasn't too happy about it.

He gives me hell for a good five minutes straight, which doesn't sound that long, but trust me, it is. Five minutes of his threatening to kick my ass and feed me to his rabid girlfriend is really too much for me to handle right now. When he slows at a stop sign, I make my exit. I'm perfectly content to walk the remaining couple of miles home.

"Ed!" he yells, leaving his truck in the middle of the street while he comes running after me.

I'd quicken my pace, but I learned long ago that despite his hulking size, he's one fast motherfucker. He'd have me tackled in about half a second if I was stupid enough to try to make a run for it. As expected, his hand clamps down on my shoulder, and he spins me around.

"What the fuck is your problem?" he bellows.

"My problem?" I mimic. "_My_ fucking problem?" I advance, and something in my expression, in my tone tells him to back away. "You were supposed to look out for her! You were supposed to tell me if she needed anything! You were supposed to take care of her for me, and I come back to this shit? You told me she was fine, Emmett! You said she'd moved on, and she was okay, and I fucking _believed_ you!"

"Oh, so this is my fault?" he spits at me. "You're the dumbass who left, Ed, not me!"

"No shit! I know that!" Believe me, I know it.

"You think she let us help her? You think she let us anywhere _near _her? Fuck, Edward, the only reason she still talks to us is because Alice won't fucking give up!"

"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask, still angry but too riddled with guilt to yell anymore.

"You left, man. It's not like you were coming back."


	24. Chapter 24

_~2002_

_I tell her about L.A., and she's thrilled. I tell her I'm going alone, and she's confused. I try every excuse I can think of to get her to stay behind, and she doesn't buy it. She pleads and bargains and insists she's going with me, and I stand my ground. Furious, she starts packing anyway, telling me she's an adult and can do whatever the hell she wants, and I know. I know her well enough to know that she'll do exactly what she says. She's as stubborn and determined as her father, and up until now, I loved that about her. She's always followed her heart, and now I have to break it. So I do exactly what I don't want to do._

_"I can't do this anymore."_

_"What?" she asks, her big brown eyes wide and confused._

_"Us," I say. "It's not working."_

_"Oh," she gasps, clearly surprised. "Well, we can work on it, right? We can fix this," she says hopefully._

_"No, I don't want it fixed," I say, internally wincing as her expression crumbles with pain._

_"Don't do this," she pleads. "Not now, not when…"_

_God, she's killing me, but I have to stop her from following me. I have to walk away and just pray that someday she'll forgive me._

_"It's not you," I say. "It's just…me. I need…I don't know…I need a change."_

_She nods, and I can almost see the wheels turning in her head as she tries to figure out a way to make me stay. "I don't understand," she finally says. _

_I don't either. I'm not making any sense. "I'm sorry," I say truthfully. "I wish it was different, but..."_

_"Is there someone else?" she asks so quietly that I almost don't hear her._

_"Yes," I say, unable to look her in the eye, feeling as if I'll collapse under the weight of my lie. I don't want to go along, but she handed it right to me, and I think it might be the one way I can get her to let go._

_"Who?" she asks, her voice trembling._

_"Just…you don't know her."_

_"Do you love her?" she asks._

_This is it. This is my out. If Bella thinks I love someone else, she'll have to let me go. But I can't speak the words. I can say or do almost anything else, but claiming to love someone other than my Bella is physically impossible. "I have to go," I tell her, practically running out of the apartment before I come apart._

_I make it twelve blocks before I stop, nearly falling over when I finally slow enough to try to catch my breath. I'm shit. I'm the most selfish bastard who ever walked the earth. I deserve to die for what I've just done to her. But it'll be so much worse if I take her with me._


	25. Chapter 25

~2011

It's obvious we're both pissed off. Emmett's pissed at me, and I'm pissed at…well, I guess I'm pissed at myself, too. I can barely remember what it's like not to hate myself.

Mom and Dad give me a wide berth, but Emmett's not so easy to dissuade. I go into Dad's office, knowing I'll find his scotch there, and Emmett follows, making himself comfortable on the worn leather sofa as I hand him a glass. I'd like to say I need something to take the edge off, something to relax me. But really I just need some liquid courage and perhaps something to numb the pain. It's time to start asking questions.

"Tell me now," I say. "I need to know."

"Not my story to tell," he replies.

I sigh. "Then tell me _something_," I plead. "Anything."

He leans back and takes a sip, staring off at something outside the window, before he finally speaks.

"Hey, remember that Samantha chick from high school?"

"What?"

"Samantha Johnston?"

"Um, not really," I say.

"Rose was friends with her," he tells me.

What this has to do with Bella, I don't know. But I bite. "Okay?"

"Whole town turned on her when she got pregnant," he says.

"Oh, yeah," I chime in, now remembering. "Wasn't she like fifteen or something?"

"Yep. She married the dad after graduation."

"Bet that worked out well," I say sarcastically.

"Actually, it did," he tells me. "Been married going on ten years now, got three kids. You know that's the only guy she's ever been with?"

"Um…No offense, Em, but what the hell does she have to do with Bella?"

"Huh?" he asks, snapping out of whatever memory he was in and turning to look at me. "Oh, nothing, I guess. It just sucks how she's still stuck with that label, you know?"


	26. Chapter 26

_~2002_

_It's been two months, and I hate L.A. The city is probably fine, but I'm not. Bella won't take my calls, and Emmett and Alice aren't saying much. I know they must be in touch with her because Alice had some pretty choice words for me when I called yesterday. Apparently sending Bella flowers is not acceptable. But I didn't know what else to do._

_Five months here, and it's no better. I met someone, but she's not Bella. She's friendly and flirty and clearly interested, but I just can't._

_Alice isn't speaking to me. The last time I called, she screamed "Cheater!" and hung up. I should have called her back and insisted that she hear the truth, but I was so ashamed of myself, of everything, that I called Dad instead. Even he doesn't know the whole story – at least I don't think he does. But he can probably guess. He's the only one who doesn't treat me like the world's biggest asshole. Even though I am._

_It's been seven months, and now no one is answering. I've called everyone, even Alice, for two days straight, but no one is picking up. I turn on the news, but there are no reports of freak storms or earthquakes, no reason from the Weather Channel as to why my family is unreachable. In desperation, I call Bella's. I know she doesn't want to talk to me, but if I just hear her voice..._

_"Swan residence, Sue speaking."_

_"Um…Is…Is Bella there?" I ask. I don't know who Sue is, and I hope she doesn't ask who's calling. Maybe she'll hand Bella the phone._

_"I'm sorry," she says, sounding genuinely apologetic. "She's resting right now. Do you need funeral information?"_

_"Um…no. No, thanks," I say before hanging up._

_It's done. Charlie's gone, and I need to be there. I'll call into work, I'll make any excuse necessary, and I'll finally go home, if only for a few bereavement days. I'll tell Bella the truth. Finally. She'll be pissed, but she'll understand. Even if she doesn't, at least she'll know it was all my fault and that I still love her. I hope._

* * *

sorry this one's later than usual. work was crazy again today. i suspect it may be that way for a while. still gonna update daily, but don't count on a specific time.


	27. Chapter 27

~2011

It's rehearsal time, and while I haven't seen her, I can feel her, even as I'm standing outside. Bella's here somewhere.

Despite the fact that she and Jasper apparently had a thing, she's one of Alice's bridesmaids. I don't understand how Alice managed to pull that off, considering what Emmett told me about Bella's keeping everyone at a distance, but I guess the why doesn't matter.

"It's about time!" Alice shrieks at me when I walk in.

I'd like to say I'm fashionably late, but really I'm just a coward. If I wasn't such a fuck up, maybe it would be _our_ wedding rehearsal, mine and Bella's. God knows I've dreamed about it so many times. But that's not the world I live in; it's the world I tore apart. And as I watch Bella walk down the aisle, no amount of wishing will put her in a while dress and me at the end of her journey.

Alice is insane, making us go over and over and over every single little step, while Jasper just smiles and goes along with it. As much as I want to hate him, I can't find a single reason, save for whatever past he shares with Bella, to do it. He seems genuine, friendly enough, and he treats Bella with kindness while looking upon my sister in complete adoration. Maybe I should just hate him for being happy. I was happy once.

I don't understand how we got to this point. I know _why_, but I just can't wrap my head around it. How did I become so disconnected from my family that I feel like a stranger? How did I ever think that letting Bella go was a good idea? How did trying to do the right thing turn into such a fucking mess?


	28. Chapter 28

_~2002_

_I can't do it. I made it here, all the way to Seattle, and now I've been sitting in the terminal for three hours. Airport security has been watching me for the last hour or so, but they haven't told me I have to leave. Good thing, too, since I'm not really sure where to go. My rental car is reserved and waiting for me, but even if I leave now, I'll have missed the funeral by the time I get to Forks. I have my return ticket, but it's not good till Tuesday, and I'm pretty sure living at the airport isn't allowed. _

_I'm such a coward. I reacted so quickly, booking my flight and car, packing my suit and dress shoes... But I did too much thinking on the plane, too much imagining all the different ways this could go wrong. I pictured her having me thrown out of the church, banned from the burial. I pictured her crying softly against the chest of some new, better boyfriend. I pictured her ignoring me, slapping me, telling me she's over me. And now I'm here, unable to make myself move for fear of any of any of that happening. What if my showing up only makes it worse? What if my only being able to stay for a few days breaks her heart again? What if it makes no difference to her at all._

_I call Alice at least a dozen times, but every time lands me straight to voice mail. I try the house, but no one's there, of course. I leave messages for my whole family, and I wait. But they never call._

_~2003_

_I don't know why I bother calling home anymore. Everyone's too busy with their own lives to deal with my melodrama. I can't blame them, either. I'm the one who left, and it's not like their worlds revolve around me. But it's still tough, being on my own like this. I've never felt so alone._

_I called Emmett the other day, when he was at work so I could just leave a message, and some foul-mouthed woman answered. She started out nice enough, but as soon as I told her who I am, she lit into me. After a string of profanities that left me gaping at the phone, she told me to fuck off and hung up. I didn't have the balls to call back._

_~2004_

_They won't tell me anything anymore, so I've stopped asking. But that doesn't mean I've stopped wondering. I've tried to find her online, just to peek, to see if she's doing well, but it's like she doesn't even exist. I know she's still there, though. She's still in the phone directory, at her dad's old address, and I've heard her voice on the machine a few times.y. _

_~2005_

_Holidays are spent at my place. Impersonal catered dinners with careful conversation as we all avoid the elephant in the room. Dad hugs me a little too long, silently telling me he knows, but everyone else just acts casual. _

_Mom looks questioningly at me, but I turn away, change the subject. What good is an explanation now? The damage is done, and if there's anything I've learned, it's that it wasn't worth it._

_~2007_

_Emmett's been hired on at the fire department. I can hear the excitement in his voice as he tells me about his job. He's already talking to breeders, trying to find a dalmation to round out his dream. _

_His girlfriend moved in with him last week, and I'm more jealous than I can even express. She's a third grade teacher, and according to Emmett, she looks like a porn star. I'm tempted to tell him she curses like one, too, but I'd like to forget that first ugly phone call with Rosalie._

_~2009_

_Alice is seeing someone, a carpenter of all things, some guy named Jasper. He's weird about flying, though, so he never joins us for the holidays. He seems like a nice enough guy on the phone, though I can't say I've spoken to him much. Usually he just hands the phone to Alice, who seems to have gotten over not speaking to me._

_My life? Well, it's okay, I guess. I dated one of my benefactors for a while, propriety be damned, but it was never meant to last. Kate eventually moved on to another artist, the new "it" kid, and we amicably parted ways. I was seeing an actress for a while, too, a c-lister named Tanya. It was more of a convenience than a relationship, though. When she got her own reality show, we called it quits. She tells everyone she dumped me because I was holding her back. Really it's just that I didn't want to be on TV with a woman who would inevitably embarrass me. She's dating the star of a summer blockbuster now. _

_I don't think I'm going to try dating anymore. I'm still not over Bella, even after all these years away from her. I've certainly tried to take an interest in other women, but I always feel like there's something missing, and I've finally realized what it is. My heart._


	29. Chapter 29

~2011

Two hours after my late arrival, the rehearsal is finally over, and it's time for our much delayed dinner. I'm relieved that there doesn't seem to be a seating plan, no place cards to force me into a chair next to anyone I don't want to talk to. Then again, I'd probably be shitty company.

I want to be happy for Alice and Jasper. Hell, I _am_ happy for them. It's just so hard to show it when my soul's cracked open.

Newton gives me a wary look and heads to the other side of the room, his wife trailing behind him. For that, I'm thankful. He's sporting bruises from our run-in at Lloyd's, and either his wife is oblivious, or she's just as pathetic as he is. She's been eyeing me all night, and not in that "Why did you try to kill my husband?" sort of way.

Bella looks tired, and I don't even want to imagine why. And as much as I want to talk to her, I don't think this should be the place. So I head over to the buffet and get just enough food to appear normal, so lost in my own thoughts that I drop a set of tongs on the floor when someone brushes against me. I turn to pick them up, only to be met by glazed over brown eyes, and I begin to understand what hell must be like.

"Are you high?" I ask a little too loudly, too surprised to catch myself.

She just blinks, and that big guy that's always around pulls her away, glaring at me as he wraps a protective arm around her.

"You okay, Bells?"

I can feel his eyes still on me, but I can't stop staring at her. For a second, I see a flash of life in her half-lidded eyes, but she turns away, nods at him, and leaves.


	30. Chapter 30

I pick at my food, pushing it around my plate until I just can't fake it anymore. Alice notices, of course, but she just looks at me with pity. Jasper, gives me a tight smile and gets up, looking like he's going to come talk to me, but Mom cuts him off, taking the empty chair beside me.

"How are you doing?" she asks as she plucks petals off the centerpiece flowers.

"Fine," I sigh.

"Edward, I'm your mother. I'm not asking just to be polite," she scolds, turning to look at me. "Tell me what's on your mind."

"Bella," I admit. It's not like she doesn't know. Moms know everything. Still.

"Have you talked to her?" she asks.

"I don't even _know_ her," I reply. The Bella I've seen here isn't the one I left behind. Or maybe she is. It's not like my judgment is infallible. Learned that one the hard way.

"Listening to rumors, I see," she says, disappointment in her eyes.

I feel terrible about what I'm about to say, but Mom has always seen silver linings where there were none. And as much as she loves…loved?..._Whatever_ her feelings for Bella, she should know. "She's on drugs, Mom," I explain.

"Yes, I know," Mom says, surprising the hell out of me. "Your dad prescribed them this afternoon."


	31. Chapter 31

Dad gave Bella drugs? "What?"

"Well, how else was she supposed to walk with her twisted ankle?" Mom's voice is a little too light, like she's not taking any of this seriously.

"What are you talking about?"

"You know how Bella is about pills," she begins, suddenly pausing. "Well, maybe you don't, but she's…not a fan. Anyway, she tripped over Rose's cat – I swear that thing's homicidal – and it's not serious, but Carlisle gave her something for the pain."

Shit.

"Now tell me. What's really bothering you?"

"What happened to her?" I ask, desperate for some real answers.

"You know very well what happened to her," Mom says. "Her boyfriend left and her father died. End of story." I don't miss the judgement in her tone.

"That's not the end of the story, and you know it," I insist, trying to keep my frustration in check.

"It is for you unless you talk to her."

"I don't think she wants to talk to me," I tell her. "She hasn't even tried."

"Well, why should she?" Mom asks. "You're the one that left."

I bury my face in my hands. Anger, confusion, guilt. They're all here.

"She's been hurt, Edward, but I don't think you need me to tell you that. What you need is to talk to her. Apologize or reconcile or explain yourself - whatever it is you need to do. But you can't sit around moping and expect it to get better. You owe her _something_. And you still owe your mother an explanation."


	32. Chapter 32

I notice one of the staff headed outside with a cigarette in his hand, and I decide that's not a bad idea. I don't smoke often – it's more a social thing than anything else – but tonight I'm thinking a cigarette might do me some good, calm my nerves a bit. I bum one off a waiter, and make my way outside.

The first drag hurts. It's definitely been a while. But I know the slight head rush will follow soon, so I take another pull as I walk away from the front of the restaurant and around the back, where I can be alone and get my thoughts into some kind of order. But I'm not alone.

Bella's perched on a railing at the edge of what appears to be the employee parking area. That big guy who's always around is standing close, between her legs, but oddly, it doesn't appear sexual. And she's talking.

I know I shouldn't eavesdrop, but it's too tempting.

"It'll all be over tomorrow, honey," he tells her. "He'll go back to California, and you'll go back to ─"

"What? Being the town whore? Getting high at wedding receptions? You saw how he looked at me!" Her voice catches; it sounds like she's crying, but I can't see her face clearly in the darkness.

"Say the word, and I'll make an honest woman out of you," he chuckles.

"And ruin the only man in town I haven't slept with?" she asks, her voice oddly light considering the subject. "No thanks, Jake."

So that's his name.

"Hey, you know it's not like that," he says, placing one of his hands on her shoulder. "I haven't heard anything about you and Dr. Lawrence."

"Ew!" she shrieks. "He's like a hundred years old. Not that that stopped him from trying."

"Are you serious?" he asks.

"God, no," she says, laughing. "Gross!"

She playfully slaps his chest, and I want so badly to know who this guy is to her, why they can talk so casually about something so…sordid.


	33. Chapter 33

"You need to talk to him, Bells," Jake tells her, his voice serious again.

"Not until my next physical, I don't," she argues.

"That's not who I mean."

"No," she says, her tone leaving no doubt as to how much she means it, and I cringe.

I want so much to talk to her, to find out where she is now and how she got there. To tell her how stupid I am and how beautiful she is. I don't know what it will change, but I know it's a start. And to hear that she won't even entertain the idea...

"Bells," Jake urges, unknowingly fighting my battle for me.

"I said no!" she insists.

He steps closer and tilts her face up. "Nine years is an awful long time to be left wondering."

When she looks at him, at this angle, I can see her face. So many feelings in that one expression. "I stopped wondering a long time ago," she argues, her voice now cold and flat, resigned. "He left me for someone else. That's enough."

"No, he didn't," he says, sounding like he truly can't believe it.

"Yes," she replies. "He _did_."

"Maybe not," he says, trying again. "Maybe he just -"

She cuts him off. "Whatever you're going to say, it's no excuse."

"Bells…"

"Whatever. I was never good enough for him anyway."

"That's just stupid," he tells her, his voice actually raising a little as he steps back, his shoulders squared in anger.

I hope he's not the violent type. If they get in a fight, and he raises a hand to her…well, Alice will never forgive me for getting myself killed before her wedding.

"It's the truth," Bella says, pushing herself off the railing and opening passenger door of a big truck parked next to them.

"No it's not," I say loudly, freezing in place as both their heads snap in my direction.

Shit.


	34. Chapter 34

you know, i asked on twitter if it was time for another chapter, and one person responded. so the rest of you aren't allowed to read this.

* * *

The big guy – Jake, I guess – spins his whole body around, blocking my view of Bella. His glare is murderous, and I know I deserve it.

"Bella?" I ask nervously. Will she have anything to say? Will she listen? Will she tell him to let me live?

He takes a step forward, fists clenched, and I hold my breath. This isn't looking good for me. Decision apparently made, he stalks over to me, moving so quickly I'm afraid he'll mow me over, and suddenly he's towering over me, the rage coming off in waves as I close my eyes and wait for impact. But there's only the sound of his breathing.

I cautiously open my eyes and see nothing but his chest. I have to take a step back just to look him in the eye.

"Fix this," he seethes. "And if you hurt her, I'll fucking kill you."

I know. If there's anything I'm sure of, it's that he'll make good on his word.

He steps around me, slamming into my shoulder in the process, and I stumble backward, shuffling awkwardly as I try to regain my footing. Bella's watching me, her face void of expression - not even curiosity - and I have no idea where to start.

"It's not true," I say, stepping toward her.

She looks right past me, and I glance over my shoulder to find that Jake hasn't left. He's just standing back in the shadows and watching.

"It's not," I repeat, my voice more sure this time.

She just looks down at the ground and shrugs.

The silence that follows hurts. I can hear bugs playing suicide games around the street lamps, cars ambling down the highway, and possibly Jake's breathing. I really just want to hear her.

"You cheated on me," she says softly.

But I didn't want to hear that. I take a few more steps forward, looking back to make sure her bodyguard isn't advancing on me. He's definitely watching, probably listening, but he's still as a stone.

"You left me for someone else," she says, finally looking up, looking me in the eye.

"Can we maybe go somewhere and talk?" I ask, uncomfortable airing it all in front of the shadow lurker.

"We are somewhere," she says, her chin jutting out defiantly.

Fuck. This isn't how this is supposed to happen. We're supposed to be somewhere alone, somewhere without mosquitos and strange men waiting for me to say the wrong thing. I sigh and run my hand through my hair. What the hell. It's about time I told the truth.


	35. Chapter 35

Here goes nothing.

"Remember the gallery I signed on with?" I begin. She nods, even though she's looking at the ground again, so I continue. "Well, I was part of a program for new artists, guaranteed pay, a contract…" I pause, hearing how lame my story really is. "And like an idiot, I signed on."

"And then you left," she says.

"No, then I started making all these big plans. I spent a bunch of the money they advanced me, and I had it all worked out. But I signed my fucking life away, and I didn't have a clue. I went to tell my dad the good news, and I…I saw your dad's file."

"File?"

"His health records. The cancer."

I hear her sharp intake of breath and know my time to talk is coming to an end, so I just spit the rest out as fast as I can form the words. "I couldn't tell you. I _wanted_ to tell you! I had a huge fight with my dad. Hell, I had a huge fight with _your_ dad. But I wasn't allowed to say anything, no matter how bad I thought you should know."

"You knew?" she asks, a look of shock, disbelief, undiluted fury on her face.

"I'm sorry," I say, as meaningless as it may be now.

"You're fucking sorry?" she shrieks. "You _knew_, and you didn't tell me? What the…?" She takes a few steps back, and her hands go to her mouth. Through her fingers, she begins mumbling to herself. "Oh, God…all that time. All that time I should have…and then he just…"

"He didn't want you to know, Bella," I say, not sure how to make her understand, not sure _I_ even understand. "He...I tried to get him to see. I tried." My words come out like a plea, but it doesn't matter.

She's regained her composure, and I see nothing but hate.

"So when did you meet _her_?" she asks.

"Who?" Yes, I'm that stupid.

"Your _other_ woman," she spits.

"Bella," I sigh. "There was no other woman, no one else but you."

"You're lying," she says without a second's hesitation.

"Charlie was dying, Bella," I explain, "and I was facing a lawsuit if I didn't go to L.A."

"I would have gone with you."

"I know that. I couldn't let you do that. I couldn't let you give up the time with your dad just because I was too stupid to manage my own career."

She laughs then, sounding a little hysterical. "Couldn't let me?" she asks, her voice loud and filled with accusation. "Since when were you my keeper?"

"I was trying to protect you, Bella. I -"

"Good job, there, Cullen," she says, cutting me off.

"It's true."

"You know what? It doesn't matter anymore," she says, folding her arms over her chest. "I don't need you."

"You obviously need something," I tell her, letting my frustration get the best of me.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Fine. It's about time someone gives it to her straight. "In the time I've been here, you haven't been sober once. And you've been with at least three different men-that I know of!"

I hear movement behind me and realize I'm in trouble. Jake's stalking slowly toward me, but I no longer care. Bella's too combative to reason with, and I have to get through to her. And apparently I have, if the sting on my cheek and her retreating hand is any sign. "Is it me? Is it because I came home? Are you trying to prove something?"

"Ha!" she laughs. "Haven't you heard, Edward? This isn't new for me. This is who I am. Be glad you left!"

"I never would have if I'd known this would happen," I tell her. And it's true. I don't know how I would have done things differently, just that I would have.

"Of course," she replies, her voice laced with sarcasm. "Because I would have _loved_ for you to stay out of pity. I'm fine Edward. I'm happy. I have a house and a job and my pick of the men here. What more could I possibly want?"

"Love."

"Fuck you."

And then I'm sprawled across the ground, gravel digging into my palms as I watch Jake's heavy boots stomp by. I don't bother getting up until I can no longer hear the sound of their truck speeding away from me.


	36. Chapter 36

Alice finds me sitting on the deck behind the house, staring out into the dark. Uninvited, she seats herself in one of the loungers and says nothing. The quiet stretches for miles between us, nothing but the occasional sound of the breeze rustling in the trees to disturb us. After minutes that seem to last years, I finally break down and cut the silence.

"Why won't anyone tell me anything?" I ask.

"Why the hell should we?" Alice is immediately on the offensive. "You didn't say one damned word to any of us! One moment, we were all betting on how soon you'd propose, and the next you tell us that you and Bella broke up and you're moving to L.A."

I can always count on Alice to speak her mind. Maybe she'll speak more about it than anyone else has. Maybe I'll finally find out just what the hell's been going on.

"It was complicated," I say, purposefully vague, hoping for a reaction. And I get one.

"You _made_ it complicated," she accuses. "Do you know how many times Bella begged me to tell her why you broke it off? Do you have any idea how much it sucked to have to say I didn't know?"

"I'm sorry," I mumble, repeating the same useless words that now seem to be my mantra.

"Sorry doesn't cut it," she fumes. "She was my best friend, Edward. We shared everything. And now she doesn't trust me!"

That comes as a surprise. After all, despite the weird circumstances, Bella is a one of Alice's bridesmaids. "You seem to get along fine."

"Yeah, we get along," she huffs, "because I practically stalked her till she'd hear me out. But we're not like we were. I don't think she believes that I didn't know why you left. She hasn't exactly said it, but I know I wouldn't believe me if I were in her shoes."

"God, Alice…I…" I know my leaving hurt everyone. And I know it must have been awkward between Bella and my family. I just had no idea it was so bad. I mean..._I _was the one who did everything wrong, not them.

"Spit it out, Edward!" Alice demands. "What the hell happened? I thought everything was perfect with you two."

"It was."

My answer just angers and confuses her more.

"Then why the hell did you put us all through this?"

"I'll tell you, Alice. I swear I will. But I think Bella should hear it first."

She rolls her eyes and stands. "Well, of course," she says angrily. "It's not like we haven't all waited a decade, now is it?"


	37. Chapter 37

Alice paces for a few minutes and then sits in another chair, this one farther away from mine than before. I know she's angry, and I can't blame her. They're all angry, and the blame lies solely with me. But I do need to have a real conversation with Bella, let her hear more than just a string of words blurted out in a panic. She may not understand, but I need to give her the chance to. She needs to know how hard I tried to convince her dad to tell her, how trapped I was by my own father's commitment to patient privacy, how I just couldn't take her away when Charlie was dying. She needs a full explanation and a hell of a lot more than an apology. What I need, though...

"Alice?"

"Yeah?" she responds.

"I need some help," I say.

"And what would that be?" she asks.

I take a breath, stalling for no good reason, before I admit, "I need…information. I need to know how she got like this."

Okay, so maybe there is a reason to stall. What I've seen so far has nearly killed me. There's a good possibility that whatever Alice tells me will finish the job.

"_How_?" she cries. "Oh, come on, Edward! You –"

"No," I say, hoping to stem what's sure to be a rant. "I mean, I know I fucked up, okay? But she's… he's married, Alice. She's with a married guy. I don't…" I don't understand. The Bella I knew all those years ago wouldn't go near a married guy.

"You wanna know about Mike Newton?" Alice asks.

No. "Yes."

She sighs dramatically and flops back against her chair. For a moment, I think she's going to ignore my question, but then she finally speaks.

"I don't really know how they got together – she wasn't really talking to me then," she says sadly. "But after Charlie died..." She pauses for far too long, her face showing just how pained she is. "I'd see them in town sometimes together, and maybe a year after you left it was obvious they were dating. I don't really have a lot of details, Edward, but I know he cheated and got Jessica Stanley pregnant. I get the feeling he strung Bella along for a while, but she doesn't really talk about it. I mean, I know they're married and all now, but it's pretty obvious he still has a thing for Bella. Honestly, I don't even think he likes his wife. They're never anywhere together, and when they are, they both look miserable."

"So Bella just stayed with him even after he married?"

"I guess so." She shrugs. "I mean, I never thought it was that serious between them - at least it didn't seem to be. But I guess not. I can't imagine Bella would stay with someone who cheated unless she really loved him."

And there it is. She loves him. He cheated on her, left her, and she loves him anyway. She didn't offer to stay with me when I lied about cheating. Then again, I ran like a fucking coward, so maybe she would have.

"What about the drugs?" I don't really know what I'm talking about, but it's worth a shot. She was drunk last night and on prescription pills tonight. But she's gone so far downhill since I left Forks that I have to know if there's anything else.

"I don't really know anything about that," Alice replies, giving me momentary hope. "You know how dad is about patient privacy. I know she overdosed, but I don't know what it was. I don't think she's had any problems since then."

So much for that hope. "Overdosed?"

"Yeah, a few months after Charlie died. All Dad would tell me was that she was okay and that he didn't think she meant to do it."


	38. Chapter 38

I toss and turn all night, finally falling asleep as the first rays of sunlight peek over the horizon. In a dream-like state, I hear my parents and siblings beginning their day, but even that fades away as I push my head beneath a pillow and fall into nothingness again.

When I finally awaken, the house is silent, empty. I throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt that smells clean enough, and make my through the quiet halls of my childhood home. The wall alongside the staircase is lined with photos that span my years here…and a few beyond. My first fishing trip with Dad – we caught nothing. Emmett and I in our soccer uniforms, knobby knees and bad hair. Alice's first dance recital, flowers in her hair and bright red lipstick. All dressed up for my first dance in eighth grade, overly gelled hair and badly designed jeans. Years and years of smiles and laughter, terrible fashion choices and a look of innocence. It was all so easy then.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Everything is different now. My family hasn't exactly turned against me, but I guess this is the first time I've given them the chance to really voice anything. And I have no idea how to go about reconnecting with them.

Bella, on the other hand… Well, she definitely hates me. I deserve it, too, but I don't know if I can live with it. I also don't know who she is now, and that has me stumped. She's not who she was, not who I thought she'd be. And I'm not who I thought I would be.

I'm not _where_ I thought I'd be either. Breaking free of a turmoil of thoughts, I look up to find I've wandered farther than planned. Right to the end of Bella's street.

* * *

sorry this one's late. i've got a kidney infection, and i'm totally high right now.  
hopefully i can kick it and stay on schedule, but if i'm gone for a couple of days, you know why.


	39. Chapter 39

I stand here for what feels like hours. Cars drive by, a jogger passes, and shadows slowly lengthen. And I just watch.

I watch as a minivan pulls into Bella's drive. Its door opens to reveal Newton. He checks his hair in the mirror, steps down and puffs out his chest, and confidently approaches Bella's door. Seconds later he's backing up, holding his hands out in surrender as she flies toward him, her arms waving wildly as she yells and threatens him. I can't make out every word, but I can certainly tell that his visit isn't a welcomed one. Fortunately for him, he can see that as well, and it's not long before he's hurrying back into his vehicle, gunning its puny engine, and speeding away. Bella stands there with her hands on her hips, watching until he's gone. For a second, I think she sees me. But she simply turns and goes back inside.

I watch as a truck pulls up sometime later, this time revealing Jake. He walks up to the door just with just as much self certainty as Newton did, but he doesn't knock. He just walks right in. A short time later, he steps back out on the porch, Bella in tow. They're holding hands as they walk to his truck, and I'm holding my breath as they leave together.

It's dark now, and the street lamp is burned out, leaving me standing in a sea of night. The glow of Bella's front porch light is all I can focus on. I wonder if I'll see her under it soon, letting herself back into the house. I wonder if she'll be alone.

It's late when they finally return. Jake gets out first and walks around to open Bella's door for her. He's got his arm slung over her shoulder as they walk up the steps, and my heart breaks a little as he follows her inside.


	40. Chapter 40

Alice once called me a masochist, but I know now that she was wrong. I may put myself through hell, overanalyze, overthink, and make the shittiest decisions I possibly can, but I'm no masochist. There is no joy in my pain. There's just…well, pain.

I wish I had a watch. I used to wear one, but it's kind of pointless when I've always got my cell on me. Except for now. I didn't even realize I was leaving the house, so I certainly didn't think to grab my phone.

I'm starving. I've been out here for hours like a fucking statue, just watching. I'm surprised a cop hasn't picked me up yet. Surely the neighbors are wondering about me by now. And yes, a couple of cop cars have driven by. One even slowed down a bit. But this is Forks, and a weird guy standing on the sidewalk is just a weird guy standing on the sidewalk, not a potential serial killer.

I can't take it anymore, though. I need to move. I need to move closer to Bella's house, maybe up her driveway and onto her porch. I need to knock and pray that she opens the door. I need to talk to her, listen to her, find out who the hell this Jake guy is and why he's in there with her. I need to fucking grow up and man up and not give up.

And so I put one foot in front of the other, my heart speeding up with each step I take. I swallow nervously, my stomach grumbling and my mouth dry. I push myself forward and don't let myself think. Because if I think about what I'm doing, I'll turn tail and run. I'm good at running, it seems.

_Knock, knock, knock._

As my knuckles connect with the door, my entire body tenses in anticipation. I can hear their voices, shuffling, footsteps. And then with a creak, the door opens.

* * *

i don't know about you, but i'm betting it's an alien that opens the door, and he's going to eat edward, and then the story will be over. yeah?


	41. Chapter 41

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

Okay, not exactly the greeting I was expecting, and certainly not the voice. But I don't have any time to really ponder that, since a split second later I'm backing down the steps as Jake advances, murder in his eyes.

"Hold up!" I say, desperate to save my ass, not to mention my chance to talk to Bella. "I just want to talk to Bella."

"Stop!" I hear Bella yelling from somewhere behind him. "Jake, stop!"

"Yeah, you had your chance, and you fucked it up," he says, still coming toward me way too fast.

My leg gives out under me as my foot slips off the curb, and I fall as quickly as if Jake had actually decked me. "_Please,_" I plead.

He just laughs.

"Look, if you're with her, that's fine," I say. It's not, but what choice do I have? "I won't try to come between you, I swear, but she deserves the truth."

"The truth is –" he starts, but his words are cut short with the sharp sound of a slap, and I watch from the ground as Bella shoves with all her might to move him. He takes a few steps back, willingly, I suppose, since there's no way Bella's strong enough to do it for him.

She looks at both of us and shakes her head before turning quickly and heading back toward the house, leaving me lying in the street at the mercy of the guy who's surely going to kill me. I kind of wish a car would come along right now. It would probably be less painful.

"Well?" he sneers. "You gonna talk, or what?"

"Um…" I push myself up off the ground, wondering just what he expects me to say. "I kind of need to say this to Bella."

"No shit," he says, rolling his eyes. He gives me one last menacing look before turning to follow Bella back into the house, and I'm left to wonder what the hell I'm supposed to do now.

The front door is wide open, and I contemplate running inside after them. But my ankle hurts like hell, and with my luck, I'd be charging through just as it slams in my face.

"You coming or what?" Jake yells from somewhere inside.

Guess that answers that question.


	42. Chapter 42

Everything's just as I remember it, right down to Chief Swan's old recliner in front of the TV. Okay, there have been a few changes, but they fit right in. The giant, projector style TV has been replaced with a smaller flatscreen, the kitchen cabinets are still a sunny yellow, hunting and fishing trophies line the wall over the back of the sofa, and the whole house smells like a home-cooked meal. Or maybe it just smells like a home.

Jake is sitting back on the sofa like he owns it, just smirking at me. And Bella's seated at the kitchen table, her feet in the chair and her arms wrapped around her knees, just glaring at me. For a second, I feel dizzy, like the world is going to crash in on me at any second, and I take in a shuddering breath before sitting down in the chair across from her. My gaze flits around the room, taking in every detail in an effort to avoid the very thing I came here to do. Talk.

"So?" she asks, irritated.

"Um…I just thought I should explain…everything."

"Then explain," she demands, her tone almost hostile.

So I do. I explain every detail of the stupid art program, every word exchanged with her father in my attempts to get him to let me tell her, every idiotic thought that led to my lying to her when I broke it off. I explain how empty L.A. was without her, how distant my family became, how I tried to find her online, morbid curiosity getting the best of me, and how I dreamed of the better life she'd create without me. I mention the people I've met, each one more money-hungry and caught up in the glitz and glam than the last. I tell her about the money I've made, the time I've wasted, the life I've tried to build…and how none of it's worth anything. I tell her how I've never stopped loving her, thinking about her, missing her. And she says nothing.

When I've run out of words and spread my soul across the table between us, I finally look up to see her eyes shining with tears and anger, and I don't know what to do. I want to beg for her forgiveness, but I know I don't deserve it. I want to wipe the tears away, but I know it's no longer my place. God, I just want to make it better for her, even if I have to spend the rest of my life in misery. And so I tell her all that, too. And she just looks at me.

"Um…so…do you have any…um…questions for me, I guess?" I manage to stammer.

"Are you finished?" she asks.


	43. Chapter 43

"Yes?" I reply, hearing it come out like a question.

She nods and rises from her chair. "Close the door on your way out," she tells me before joining Jake on the sofa and grabbing the remote.

Her eyes are on the TV as she flips through channels, ignoring me completely. Jake's eyes, however, are on me. And they're just as warm and friendly as ever. I sigh and get up, pushing my chair back in before turning to let myself out. But it's not enough.

"Bella?"

She turns to look at me, but she's looking more through me than at me.

"Are you seeing anyone?"

Her mouth drops open and she looks at me like I'm crazy. I think I am.

"Shit! I mean…I'd like to…if you…would anyone…fuck!" My hands go to my hair and my eyes squeeze shut.

Haven't I made enough mistakes in my life? Do I have to completely fuck this up, too? I just want to…I don't know. I just want to see her again, maybe have a real conversation where she actually speaks, too. And I don't want to cause problems for her with Jake or Newton or whoever the hell she's with. But no, I had to ask like it's any of my business. I'm about a second away from ripping my head bald when I feel small hands prying my fingers loose.

"Stop it," she says softly.

It's okay for men to cry, right? Right? Not that it matters, because I'm doing it anyway. And then my stomach rumbles again. So I laugh. I laugh like a fucking maniac, swearing and sniffling and crying like a fucking baby. And when I open my eyes, I see those big brown eyes staring back at me, a bit of mercy in them this time. She looks scared and concerned and unsure, but she doesn't look spiteful. Maybe I got through to her after all.


	44. Chapter 44

Worst. Dinner. Ever.

At some point, I manage to get a grip on my rapidly fraying sanity and put the lunacy in check. Jake shoves me back in my chair, none too gently, of course, and hands me a beer. Bella flits around in the kitchen for a few minutes before setting a big bowl of some kind of stew in front of me. And then they just watch me eat it.

I feel like an ass. Not that the feeling's new, mind you, but this is so not how I saw things going. I was supposed to come over here and explain everything, and she was supposed to forgive me or spit in my face or say at least _something_ in response. She was not supposed to pull me back from the brink of complete mania and then feed me. And then I was supposed to go back to Mom and Dad's and try to make amends with the family I pushed away. Instead, I'm sitting here in front of a now empty bowl, gripping my beer bottle like it holds the key to life, while Bella and Jake stare holes in me.

"I'm sorry," I say, but it comes out more like I'm choking on sandpaper, so I try again. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to impose and ruin your evening."

Jake coughs to hide a chuckle, and embarrassment heats my face.

"I'll just go," I offer, getting up to put my dish in the sink. I feel like I should wash it, knowing there's never been a dishwasher in this house and hating the idea of forcing Bella to clean up after me. But I don't think I can stay here anymore without going insane, and I'm sure she's more than ready for me to leave. So I set the bowl in the sink and walk to the door.

"Um…thanks for the food," I say lamely. "And I'm…I'm just sorry."

She's standing next to the table, watching me like she's expecting something. But I don't have anything else to give.

"I'll see you around," I mumble.


	45. Chapter 45

Dad's waiting up for me when I get back to the house. I look like hell, and I feel even worse, but after the day I've had, it's to be expected.

"Your mother thought you'd gone back to L.A." he tells me.

"No," I say, shaking my head. "I just…I went to talk to Bella."

He tilts his head, suddenly looking very concerned. "Want to talk about it?" he asks.

"No…yes…I don't know," I reply. That's about as honest as it gets.

"How about you tell me why you left in the first place," he prods. "I have my ideas, but you haven't exactly been forthcoming."

"I know, Dad. I'm sure you're right, but I may as well admit to it, right?" I sigh. " Where's Mom?" I'm ashamed enough. It'll probably be easier to just lay it all out for both of them. Better than going through this with each one individually.

"She's watching that house-flipping show," he says.

"Can we…I…" Shit. I'm a stammering mess again. "I think she should hear this," I finally get out.

A few minutes later, we're all in Dad's office, my parents waiting patiently for me to say the words I should have said nine years ago. Dad's sitting behind his desk, as usual. Mom's sitting in the chair beside me, holding my hand. Her simple gesture of support just about breaks me, but I really need it right now.

And thirty minutes later, we're still sitting here. I've been talking, and Mom's been sniffling softly for the last twenty-nine. Dad looks more disappointed than I've ever seen him.

"And you didn't think you could talk to us?" he asks. "Or at least to me?"

"I was just…I was so _pissed off,_ Dad. I know it isn't your fault Charlie kept it a secret, but damn. You knew, and he knew, and I knew, and the one person who needed to know…"

"That doesn't explain why you broke it off with Bella," Mom says.

"I was afraid she'd come with me, you know? I didn't know any other way to make her stay," I explained. "And Dad wouldn't let me tell her the real reason!" There's malice in my tone. Resentment. I hear it, and I know they do as well. I don't really blame Dad, not deep down, but I'm still pissed off at him, even after all these years. Oath be damned, he should have talked Charlie into saying something or just done it himself. I open my mouth to apologize, though, only to feel the sharp crack of my mother's palm against my face.

I think I'm in shock. Mom's never raised a hand to anyone, even when I was a smart-ass teenager who probably deserved a good hit, and the fact that she's done so now just tells me how badly I've fucked up.

She makes a weird squeaking noise as her hands fly to her tear-streaked face, and then she darts out of the room in sobs.

"I'll talk to her," Dad says quietly.

I'm still too stunned to speak.

* * *

okay, so why didn't any of y'all tell me that Christmas is this weekend? i'm sure i'll have to hang with the family for a day or two, so posting might be a bit off on Saturday & Sunday.


	46. Chapter 46

I wake up much too early to a massive headache and far too much noise for six in the morning. Dragging myself out of bed, I stumble downstairs, seeking the source of all the banging.

The house smells oddly like Christmas morning, and Dad's at the kitchen table sipping coffee, reading his paper, and trying to ignore my mother. She's spinning around in circles, cooking enough breakfast to feed an army, and that's when I know what this is.

"Oh, Edward! You're up! Are you hungry? I've got waffles and pancakes and muffins and bacon and these little tarts and –"

"Sure, Mom. Let me grab a plate," I say, stopping her from listing out every ingredient in the kitchen.

"No, no," she clucks. "You just sit down now. I'll bring it to you."

She's overcompensating. She feels like hell for slapping me last night, even though I can't blame her one bit, whether it was because of my attitude toward Dad or my leaving everyone in the dark for so many years. Something tells me that he got an earful last night, too.

"Here you go," she says as she sets a piled-high plate in front of me.

"Mom, I –"

"Breakfast is the most important meal of the day," she scolds before I can tell her she's feeding me way too much. "Eat."

For the next thirty minutes, she waits on me hand and foot, and protesting is useless. This is what she does, how she copes, how she apologizes and loves and comforts. It's how she's always been – and probably the main reason Emmett's such a big guy. Born two months premature, Emmett gave her a new mission in life – to see him thrive. Three hundred pounds later, I'd say she succeeded.

She's just poured me my fifth cup of coffee when I can't take it anymore. When Esme Cullen becomes Mama Bear, there's no stopping her, but at this rate, I'm going to go into cardiac arrest before the sun has completely risen. So I shove my half-emptied plate aside, stand up before she can stop me, and pull her into a tight hug. And I'm not letting go until she understands that she has nothing to make up for with me.

* * *

**fyi: this chapter comes to you courtesy of free wi-fi at the hospital, where i've been camping out in the waiting room for a few days and am now spending Christmas. obviously my daily posting schedule has suffered, but things are looking a bit better for now. i'll get it back to normal as soon as i can.**

**now, leave me Christmas presents in the form of reviews. real presents aren't possible again this year.**


	47. Chapter 47

**okay kids, it looks like i'm back. thanks for sticking around.**

* * *

I'm awakened again by banging noises, this time later in the morning and not coming from the kitchen. Upon my mother's reminder that I needed to at least _look_ well-rested for the wedding, I retreated again to my room for a nap. I'm definitely feeling a little better, having grabbed a couple more hours of sleep, but whoever's beating the hell out of my bedroom door might have to be killed.

I throw my stiff legs over the side of the bed and pull on my jeans before angrily flinging open the door.

"What the fu-?" The words die on my tongue as I step back in disbelief. I'm dreaming. That's it. Or I've died. That's possible, too. There's really no other reason Bella would be standing in the second floor hallway of my parents' home. I stand there, stunned, just waiting for her to speak…or maybe turn into a koala bear like Emmett did in that weird dream I kept having after moving to L.A.

But she's silent. She's silent and tense, completely unmoving. Her hands are balled into fists, and the tendons in her neck are standing out as she glares at me. And then the next second those fists are flying.

I'm only able to make out a few of the words she's saying. I'm concentrating more on covering my face and twisting my body away from her in hopes of saving my balls. Bony knuckles pummel my chest and shoulders, letting up only to shove me backwards as she screams at me. Within seconds, though, her heavy breaths become sobs, and her fists land limply against my stomach as she all but collapses against me.

And in the sobs and the sniffles, I hear her.

"Why?"

I don't know how to answer. I've given her all the why's I can think of...why I left, why I didn't tell her about her dad, why I fucked up my own life and apparently hers as well. And we both know that all the answers in the world won't change the mistakes I've made. So I do the only thing I know to do, the only thing I can feel right about.

I wrap my arms loosely around her, hugging her as close to my chest as I dare, and I pray she won't hit me again.


	48. Chapter 48

We stand there for centuries as her crying slows and her breaths even out. Her fists are balled up and tucked between her chest and my stomach, and my hands slowly rub over her back, trying to soothe what little I can. All too soon, she lets go, though, and I'm cold without her pressed against me. My chest is wet from her tears, and my heart is broken from her suffering, and my mind is reeling from the surprise of her visit.

"Why?" she finally asks again, the words scraping roughly against her throat. "Why did you come back? Why did you tell me all this shit? Why now?" Her volume rises as anger begins to take hold again, and I wish I knew how to calm her.

My apologies are useless, I know. They've already been spoken, and repeating them now won't make them any more real. So I say the only thing I'm sure of, the only thing I've ever truly known. "Because I love you."

"Bullshit!" she yells. "If you loved me…You never fucking loved me!"

"I've always loved you, Bella," I insist, keeping my words soft.

"No," she says as tears again begin to fill her eyes.

"I've loved you since before I ever met you," I say. "I've loved you even more with each second."

A myriad of emotions show in her eyes, changing so quickly I can't keep track. And then chin comes up as her gaze grows cold. "You lie."

"I swear to you, Bella. I - "

"No," she says more adamantly as she shakes her head in denial. "Love doesn't do _this_ to a person," she says, gesturing toward her disheveled figure. "It doesn't do _that,_" she says, pointing at me now. "It doesn't break people, Edward. I know broken. I've _lived_ broken. And you are most certainly the most broken thing I've ever seen."

She's right. I am broken. I did it to myself. I did it to her. I did it to _us_.

"I know," I sigh. "But I do love you."

She takes a few steps back and crosses her thin arms over her chest. "Then answer my questions."


	49. Chapter 49

I feel like I'm on trial, like my life hangs in the balance. How I answer her will determine everything. But whatever I say won't come out right; I've proven that enough times. No matter what she asks, my words will twist and stumble and fall from my mouth, and they will be wrong.

"What's L.A. like?"

Her question stuns me. She's supposed to ask how I could stand to leave her if I loved her so much, why I'm such an asshole, which circle of hell I think I'm destined for. Instead, she asks about the city that took me away from her.

"It's…not what it was supposed to be," I tell her.

"You've done well, it seems," she says with a shrug. "I always knew you'd make it."

I don't know what to say, so I just watch as she crosses the room and peels a strip of brown paper off one of the covered paintings leaning against the wall in the corner.

"You don't do interviews, though." She moves slowly through the room as she speaks, pausing here and there to look more closely at an old photo or pick invisible lint off the comforter. "Sometimes I see your name in magazines, and there was that write up in _American Artist_… Why don't you do interviews?" she asks.

She's too calm, her voice too clear. It doesn't match her still-wet cheeks and reddened eyes, and it doesn't fit with my hammering heart.

"You've been following me?" I ask, hopeful and surprised.

"No," she says, too quickly not to be the truth. "Mrs. Meier told me."

"Who's Mrs. Meier?"

"My boss."

"Oh… Where do you work?"

Our conversation is odd and not at all what I expected, but it's casual and calm, somehow normal in spite of everything. Maybe this is how she'll forgive me, if I talk to her like a friend instead of the scene of a crime I'm trying to explain away.

"Food Mart," she says, turning quickly away from me as her hair drapes down in a curtain to shadow her face.

"Forks got another grocery store?"

"What? No, it's at the Shell station," she says quietly before quickly changing the subject. "So what's L.A. really like?"

"Empty…pointless," I reply.

"Yeah," she sighs. "Same here."


	50. Chapter 50

"You're not happy?" she asks.

I exhale slowly, heavily as I step to the bed and sit down. "No, Bella, I'm not happy."

"Are you single?" she asks, once again turning her back to me as she pretends to focus on the spines of the dust covered books above my desk.

I pretend, too. I pretend not to notice that her voice cracks as she speaks that last word. "Yes," I say.

I watch her shoulders dip a little as she relaxes before turning around and sitting on the creaky old office chair in front of my desk.

"Why?" she asks, this time looking me straight in the eye.

Fuck. "A million reasons, I guess," I shrug. "You."

"A million and one reasons, then," she mutters to herself.

"No, a million reasons," I repeat. "A million reasons that all equal you."

"That's shitty math, Edward," she laughs hollowly.

"I don't really see them," I explain. "Other women…I just…I don't see what I think I'm supposed to see. They don't smile right," I tell her. "They don't laugh right. They're too tall and too short and too everything that's not...right." They're pretty, I guess, but not beautiful. They're smart but not inspired. They're cutthroat, not determined…and…" I trail off, shaking my head as I fail to find the words. "They're just not… they're not you," I finally admit.

"You left me," she states without hesitation.

"I left me, too."


	51. Chapter 51

It's been about two hours since Bella left, and I can't help but feel like hope is blooming somewhere in the cracks of this mess. She said she'd see me at the wedding, and I keep thinking that if I'm lucky, we'll get a little more time to make small talk or even dance. I haven't danced with anyone since Bella.

Alice appears shortly after Bella leaves, and I can deal with the crazy for a while, but I have my limits. When she starts running around like a madwoman, mumbling about waxing and other weird female rituals, I call up Emmett for an escape. I just don't expect Jasper to be the one to come pick me up.

The ride from the house to Emmett's is uncomfortably quiet. Jasper is way too calm for someone about to marry a whirling dervish, and what little conversation I manage feels forced. I've asked him if he's nervous (he's not), about their plans after the wedding (white picket fence, 2.5 kids), and how he got into carpentry (his grandfather). I just can't find a way to work in the question that's on both our minds.

After several sidelong glances and some heavy sighs, Jasper slows the truck and turns to me. "Just ask, man," he finally says.

Well, I'm not going to get a better invitation than that. "You…um…dated Bella?" I stammer. I know he was seeing her at some point. And if his shamed look and careful nod at the bar the other night is any indication, I'm pretty sure it was more than casual. I'm just hoping his spelling it out won't shatter what little is left of my heart.

"Yes, for a couple of weeks," he admits without hesitation.

"And Alice is okay with that?" Alice is pretty accepting of people, but keeping her husband's ex around is too much, even for her.

"Of course," he replies, looking at me like I'm the crazy one in this scenario. "She loves Bella."

"Yeah, but isn't it weird? I mean, you were…_with_ Bella…?"

"Are you asking me if we slept together?"

Way to cut to the chase. "Yeah, I guess I am."

"Yes," he says, turning his head to apparently look out the window at the cookie cutter houses we're passing. I know better. "Once," he clarifies. "We were drunk, and it was a mistake."

That does _not_ make it better. "Bella's not a mistake," I snap.

"No," he says calmly, "but _me_ and Bella were. So we stayed friends." He shrugs as a small smile lifts his mouth. "And she brought me to Alice."

"And things aren't weird between you? I mean, you and Bella…you seem to get along okay," I prompt.

"Yeah, we do," he agrees. "Don't get me wrong; she's a good person, and she deserves better than she's ever gonna get here, but we just weren't right for each other."

I shake my head. This just doesn't make any sense. He's apparently the love of my sister's life, and I want to kill him for the simple fact that he was with Bella _once_. But he and Alice both seem to be able to ignore that. Or maybe they're just better than I am.

"Look, man," he says as we pull into Emmett's driveway. "Bella and me, we're good as friends, and I'm glad we can still _be_ friends. People make mistakes, and we can either get past them or let them eat at us. Things are what they are. You gotta make amends and move forward," he tells me, "you and Bella both."

Five minutes after he's gone in the house, I'm still sitting in his truck and trying to figure out exactly which direction forward is.


	52. Chapter 52

The rest of the day is a blur. The guys are pretty laid back, and by the time I'm in my tux, we've all had a few beers. But the phone hasn't stopped ringing all day, always one of the women on the other end of the line. They left Mom's house hours ago to set up shop at the church, and we'll be there any second.

Jasper's an odd bird. It's his wedding day, the day he's going to pledge to spend the rest of his life with the little bundle of crazy that is my sister, and he's cool as a cucumber. If I was in his shoes… shit. I could have been in his shoes years ago if I hadn't acted like such a fucking moron. Instead, I'm walking in to a church, where I'll stand and smile and turn green with envy, where I'll watch Dad give Alice away, where I'll join half the town in wishing the happy couple well, and where I won't be able to take my eyes off Bella.

I catch a glimpse of her through the large double doors before the ceremony starts. Some frazzled lady dashes in long after the ushers have dispersed, and there she is, pretty and perfect in that flash of an open door. Alice has dressed the girls in red, a deep, dark red that somehow looks perfect on all of them.

I can't help but smile as Bella walks toward the front of the church. No one else can see it, but I can. That tiny little "v" perched between her brows, the only sign that she's concentrating hard on not messing up. Her eyes are clear, and her smile is timid but bright, and in the split second that our eyes meet, it grows even brighter. A few steps later, she takes her place in the lineup, and all eyes but mine turn to the back of the church to watch Alice make her way up the aisle.

Vows and rings and laughter are exchanged, my sister's happiness permeating even the stony remains of my own heart, and for that short bit of time, everything is okay again.

Until fucking Newton escorts Bella back down the aisle and through the double doors, out of my sight.

* * *

_yeah, i know. this was supposed to go up yesterday. sucks, huh? i was working on a website for a new contest, and i had to get it finished for the launch today, so...yeah, that's my lame excuse. but go check out the contest! _

_www(dot)ficcontest(dot)info_

_some fucking impressive names on the host list, and some fantastic banner makers on board. seriously, if i wasn't part of the crew, i'd totally enter just so these people might read my stuff, fall in love, and totally pimp me to their bajillion followers. okay, so maybe that's a little too optimistic. but did i mention it's anonymous?  
'cause popularity contests suck ass._  
_so go. enter. and beat out some big-name-author for the win. you know you want to. _


	53. Chapter 53

When I finally make it into the vestibule, Bella is nowhere to be seen. The small entrance is crammed with people moving every which way, and each one of them is in _my_ way. I finally push through the crowd, hoping she'll be easier to spot outside. And she is.

Emmett waves me over to the ivy covered arch where the final wedding party photos are being taken. My momentary panic washes away, and I just feel like an idiot. Sure, I hate that Newton was the one to escort Bella outside, but I should have remembered the photographer's instructions that we all meet up before the reception for the last round of pictures.

Alice is the epitome of wedded bliss, unable to tone down the elated smile on her face throughout the shots. She's going to hate how crazy she looks, but something tells me Jasper is going to love it.

We're all shuffled around, called up in this group and that group, and every time I try to situate myself near Bella, the damned photographer directs us away from each other. It's stupid, I know, but the last picture I have of us together was taken at some all night pizza joint in Seattle, and I'd give almost anything for something new to take home with me. Of course, I'd rather the picture wasn't staged, but at this point, I'll take anything.

Alice is ready to wrap it up, complaining that she's hungry and wants to dance. But Jasper...he gives me a contemplative look before whispering to Alice, and the next thing I know, I'm standing next to Bella for a shot of just the two of us. She blushes when we're directed to stand closer to each other, and I smirk at Newton's grim face as we do just that. My smirk dies the second I see Jake watching us, though. He's not glaring, which is an improvement, but his look is intense.

Once we've been adequately blinded by the flash, we step away so more bridesmaids and groomsmen can be mixed and matched for the memory book. I cross my fingers, hoping Bella will stumble or do something that would require me to catch her, to touch her. But she's perfectly capable of walking, it seems, mumbling a shy "See you later," as she hurries over to Jake.

I breathe it in, this strange feeling that I might actually have a chance, while I shamelessly stare at her retreating form. Jake looks back over his shoulder at me as he helps her into his truck, but she doesn't look my way again as the truck roars to life and they rumble out of the lot.


	54. Chapter 54

The reception is chaos. The dance floor is filled with people who should never, ever dance, including Jasper, and Alice is having the time of her life. Mom and Dad are both busting out moves that probably haven't been seen since the eighties, and I'm pretty sure they've had too much champagne. Dinner isn't the formal, sit-down thing I would have expected of my sister. Instead, there's a fajita bar, flanked by kegs, and it looks like Emmett is working on floating the first one.

Bella is on her third fajita, and Jake is on his ninth. Yes, I've been watching. I've eaten a few bites, chatted with people whose names I don't really remember, and basically just waited. I'm waiting for Jake to step away, maybe let her out of his sight for just a few seconds. Just because he handed me a beer the last time I saw him doesn't mean he's going to just step aside and make it easy for me. And so I bide my time, praying that the drinks he's downed send him off in search of a restroom soon. Maybe I can bribe the DJ into playing something slow when he wanders off.

"Edward!" Alice shrieks, catching me off guard as the throws her arms around my neck. "I'm so happy!" she giggles.

"I'm so happy _for_ you," I say, genuinely meaning it. Despite our differences, she's my sister. And she's never done anything to deserve the distance I put between us. "Congratulations, man," I say to Jasper as he peels her off me.

He nods his thanks and asks why I'm not dancing, prompting me to look back over to Bella's table. It's empty?

"Um…excuse me," I stammer, pushing past him and sweeping my eyes over the dance floor. She's nowhere to be seen, not dancing, not eating, not getting another beer. She's just gone, and so is Jake. Newton's wife, on the other hand, clearly drunk and not concerned about making an ass of herself, is making beeline for me.

I quickly duck through an unmarked door and find myself in a hallway dotted with bulletin boards and employment regulation signs. I wander down the hall, checking a couple of doors, thinking one might get take me outside or at least somewhere where I can get my thoughts together. But the ones that aren't locked are just storage closets.

I turn around to find my way back to the reception hall, fingers crossed that I've at least lost the Newton bitch, when I hear something. Muffled voices and words I can't make out. It's probably some buzzed couple seeking some alone time. Or maybe someone's having an argument. But I can't shake this awful feeling that it's Bella, and I haven't seen Newton in a while, so I follow the sound to a door marked "Manager."

I don't even consider knocking.


	55. Chapter 55

Two sets of eyes glare at me, clearly surprised by my intrusion, clearly angry about…something.

"Bella?" I venture.

"What?" snarls Newton.

Stupid fucker thinks I won't kill him. Actually, it looks like said stupid fucker has an angry red handprint across his cheek. And now that I take in the scene fully, those scissors Bella's holding up appear poised to stab him. I can't say I'm opposed to the idea.

But before I can say or do anything, I'm pushed aside, and I stumble uselessly against the doorway. The hulking mass otherwise known as Jake shoves past me, and Newton slinks back, fear in his eyes. Jake shows no mercy, though, and I quickly step away from the door as Newton sails past me into the hall, his flailing limbs failing to stop him from belly-flopping onto the thin, worn carpet.

"What happened?" he asks, his eyes darting from Bella to me to that pile of shit groaning just outside the door.

"He said he wanted to talk," Bella replies, sounding ashamed.

Jake chuckles humorlessly. "And you fell for that?"

I open my mouth to defend Bella, but she does a pretty good job of that on her own, punching Jake in the chest - not that he appears to feel it - as fire lights her eyes. "Yeah, asshole, I did. Thanks for being so supportive."

"She was going to stab him," I say, finally finding my voice just in time to say something asinine.

"Really?" Jake beams like a proud parent and goes to put his arm around her, but she shrugs him off.

"I'm fine, Jake. Let's just go home."

My heart drops, knowing that I'm going to miss my chance to talk to her, to dance with her, to magically erase my past fuck-ups. Like that's really a possibility.

"I'll drive you," I volunteer, desperate for just a few minutes with her.

"The hell you will," Jake argues.

"Shut it, Jake," she scolds before turning to me. "Fine, take me home. But you're not coming in."

Jake takes a long look at her, like he can't believe what she's saying. Frankly, neither can I. But he doesn't argue, instead slamming into my shoulder as he stalks out of the room.

"I mean it," she says. "You're not coming in."

"Okay," I agree. "I just...maybe we can talk some more on the way home?"

"Whatever," she says dismissively. "Let's just go."


	56. Chapter 56

The drive to Bella's is uncomfortable, to say the least. I don't want to turn on the radio, since I'm afraid she'll take it as my not wanting to talk. But it seems to be a lost cause. Bella simply stares out the window and occasionally sighs heavily, nothing to say to me at all.

As we pulled out of the parking lot, I tried to get the words flowing, tried to make small talk, kind of like we did before. I mentioned how pretty she looked in her dress, how happy Alice was, how drunk Emmett was sure to be before the night was over. Probably a good thing I swiped his keys and his truck. But Bella's only reaction was to mumble in agreement once or twice, and then she took to watching the trees fly by.

When we pull into her driveway, I'm equal parts relieved and apprehensive. I'm glad the awkward drive is over, but I don't want her to walk away. Things certainly aren't great between us, but they're not as awful as they were when I first got here, and I'll take any improvement I can get, no matter how slight. I'm just afraid that we're going backwards now, that she'll go inside and start hating me again, while I'll slowly wither, eaten away by this never-ending guilt.

She reaches for the door handle as soon as I cut the engine.

"Let me get that," I say, hurrying to open my door and run around to her side of the truck.

I hold my hand out, testing the waters in a way, to see if she'll let me help her out. She doesn't hesitate to put her hand in mine, and I let myself believe that it's more than just needing help. But then she stumbles, her heel catching on the running board, and I'm torn from my dreaming just in time to keep her upright. Her face flushes red, so bright that it's visible in the glow from the lights of her front porch, and she laughs nervously, blaming the alcohol she had with dinner.

She thanks me for the ride and then turns, slowly making her way across the patchwork lawn and cautiously moving up the steps. I stand there, still and barely breathing, wondering if she really did have too much to drink. But as much as I want to stay and take care of her, at least just make sure she's okay, I know it's not my place anymore. Instead, I walk back around to the driver's side, knowing I'll be leaving as soon as I see the door close behind her.

I watch as she fumbles with her keys and opens the door before looking back and waving, just like she always did all those years ago when I dropped her off after a date. Only this time, her hand freezes mid-wave and then drops to her side. She gets a timid look on her face, and then her lips move.

I could just roll down the window and ask her to repeat herself, but I'm far too desperate and pathetic for that. So I yank the keys out of the ignition and jump out of the truck, slamming the door behind me as I rush across the lawn and up onto the porch to stand just inches from her.

Her eyes are wide, probably surprised that I just ran at her like a madman.

"So that's a yes?" she asks, still looking at me like I'm nuuts.

"Huh?" I don't know what she means, but I'm sure she's right. I can't say no to her.

"I thought maybe..." She pauses, clearly nervous and unsure.

"Bella?" I prod.

Her next words are practically whispered, but my heart hears them loud and clear. "Do you want to maybe come in?"


	57. Chapter 57

What the…? Did she just ask me to come in? Yes, yes, she did. And instead of voicing my answer, I'm standing here questioning it. Did I mention that I'm an idiot?

Before the furrow in her brow becomes any deeper, I nod my head, probably a little too enthusiastically. I have no idea what I'm in for, but I'm all in. She just nods back and walks inside. I'm only a step behind her.

I sit down at the kitchen table and wait as she locks the door behind us and kicks off her shoes. She sets down her bag and her keys, looks down at her dress, and then motions toward the second floor. I drum my fingers across the tabletop, wondering what exactly I should be doing while she's upstairs, presumably changing into something comfortable.

Only a minute or two later, she returns, dressed in what must be one of her dad's old t-shirts and a pair of flannel pajama pants with big frogs printed all over them. If I wasn't so nervous, I'd probably laugh, but I'm too busy freaking out to appreciate the silliness of her sleepwear.

"Um…do you want something to drink?" she asks.

"Water's good," I tell her. Truth is that I could really use a shot or two, but I need to keep my wits about me. I haven't handled any of this very well so far, and this might be my best chance.

"Sorry," she says, setting my drink down on the table in front of me. "All I have is tap."

"It's fine," I assure her. Truthfully, it could be gasoline, and I probably wouldn't know the difference. All my senses are tuned into her.

"Sorry," she says again.

"I'm not a water snob."

"No," she says, shaking her head. "I meant about earlier…after…I was just thinking," she explains. "I didn't mean to ignore you."

"In the car?"

"Yeah," she sighs, her gaze fixed on some far off place only she can see.

I want to ask what she was thinking about, what she's obviously thinking about now, but I know better than to push my luck. It's enough that I'm sitting here with her now, without that gigantic friend of hers glaring daggers at me.

"So what's the deal with Jake?" I ask instead. I know why he hates me, but his mixed signals are as bad as hers, and…fuck, I'm just nosy.

"He's everything to me," she replies.

And just like that, I begin to die inside.


	58. Chapter 58

I say nothing. I can't blame her. And at least I know he cares about her. She deserves that, even if he is one scary motherfucker. But my silence doesn't faze her, and after a long pause, she continues.

"We used to play together when we were little," she says. "I don't really remember it that well, but everyone out at the rez seems to. Jake's dad and mine were like fishing buddies or something." A wry smile turns up the corner of her mouth. "Guess they're probably fishing somewhere now."

"Jake's dad is…gone?" I ask, not really understanding where she's going with this. If she's trying to make me feel bad for the guy, it's not going to work. I mean, sure, it's sad, but Jake still has Bella, everything that matters.

"Yeah," she says. "He was paralyzed in a logging accident when Jake was five. That's why I never really knew him, you know? Dad went out to the rez a lot, I remember, but I usually…well, I guess you know I usually hung out with Alice."

I do remember. She was over at our house nearly every weekend, she and Alice spending hours playing with Mom's makeup and singing to bad pop songs.

"Anyway," she says, shaking her head a little as she comes out of her daze, "Billy passed away a few months after Charlie did, and it's just been me and Jake ever since."

I had to guess that Billy was Jake's dad, but if she was with Jake that long ago how the hell did Newton come into the picture?

"He's like my own personal support group, you know?"

"He sounds like a good friend," I say grudgingly.

She nods and takes another sip of her water, and it's only then that I notice the glaze over her eyes and the strange twist on her lips when she swallows it down.

"Bella?"

"Hmmm?"

"Is that vodka?"


	59. Chapter 59

"Yeah, so?" she asks defensively.

"I…I was just asking," I reply, coward that I am.

"You want some?" she asks.

"Okay." Stupid me. I agree even though I know I shouldn't. I still have to drive home, and Em will kill me if I so much as scratch his truck.

"I wanna watch TV," she tells me as she steps over to the counter to pour my drink.

I feel like I've stepped into the Twilight Zone. I'm not sure what I expected when I walked in the door, but it wasn't an evening of drinks and television. Perhaps some more yelling and hitting and crying. Maybe more direct questions about my time away, judgement against me, acceptance without forgiveness. Possibly an insincere offer of friendship. But not this. Still, I accept it. It's what she's giving me, and it's more than I deserve.

* * *

Two hours later and too many drinks to count, I can't remember what movie we're watching. It's something redone for TV, terrible dubbing to cover the curse words, and not nearly as interesting as Bella. She's taken to mimicking the actors' thick Brooklyn accents - badly, I might add - and repeating whatever stupid words are dubbed in. It's obvious she's having fun, but it's also obvious that she's drunk, and I can't help but wonder if this is the norm for her. Does she overindulge as she passes time with Jake? Or Newton? Or anyone else? Is she drinking because I'm here? Because she can't handle being around me?

Maybe I should leave. Yeah, probably. I should go home and sleep this off and pray that she hasn't developed a drinking habit. So I stand up and... Well, I _try_ to stand up, but it's not as simple as it should be.

"What's wrong?" Bella asks.

I notice her words are a little slurred, and when I make an excuse for my sudden movement, I realize my speech isn't so clear either. "I'm stuck," I tell her.

She laughs and looks at me like I'm crazy.

"No, I mean I can't drive home," I say.

It takes her a moment, but she finally realizes that I'm drunk and without any way to leave. Well, at least that's what I think the sudden clearing of her expression means. But then she's shaking her head, and then she's laughing, and then we're kissing, and I'm not sure how it started. But I _am_ sure that if she ever sobers up and stops kissing me, I won't survive.


	60. Chapter 60

"Shit!" She pulls away and continues starts talking to herself, berating herself, killing me.

"Bella…" I pause. I should apologize, but it would be a lie. I don't regret kissing her. I only regret that it was a mistake for her.

"When are you leaving?" she asks, her tone suddenly detached.

"I…I'll call Emmett," I tell her. I don't want to leave, but I don't want to upset her, and this is already so fucked up.

"No, I mean when are you going back to L.A.?"

"I'm not," I say without hesitation. That's my only plan, to stay. "Tell me what to do, Bella," I plead.

She snorts derisively, the Bella from just a few seconds ago long gone and replaced with this hardened creature. "Go back to L.A.," she says. "Forks is fucking toxic."

"I can't leave you again," I say.

She jumps up from the sofa, sways a little and walks toward the kitchen before spinning back around and lighting into me. "Make it go away," she sneers. "Change the past. Make them stop talking about me, looking at me like I'm nothing. Make every fuck-up I've made since you left disappear. Do _that_, Edward."

"Bella - "

"No, Edward," she cuts me off. "Fix it, fix everything, and then we can talk."

She hates me, just like I knew she would. But I still can't stop myself from wrapping my arms around her when she collapses in tears again. I just tuck her head under my chin and softly beg her to let me make it better, even if I have no idea how the hell I'll ever be able to do it.


	61. Chapter 61

"Why wasn't I enough?" she asks through her tears. "Why couldn't you love me?"

I don't answer. I've already confessed it all, and she's not asking me now because she's forgotten. She's asking because it still hurts.

She kisses me then, hard and needful. And for a second I kiss her back, but it's Bella. It's whatever broken thing exist inside her now, and I can't do this. I pull back to stop her, and she pushes me hard. The booze in my blood sweeps my feet out from under me, and I fall back into the sofa.

"Come on," I say, struggling back to my feet. "Let's get some sleep."

She doesn't move, doesn't take my hand. But she doesn't resist when I pull her to me and pick her up. She just curls into me like a lost child, and I carry her upstairs.

I set her down on the bed, where she just stares at the floor, drunk and confused and hurting. That makes two of us.

Not much about her room has changed, but I stop myself from looking around too much. I'm already at the intersection of memory lane and paved with good intentions, and I don't need faded photos and dusty trinkets to drive the point home. Assuming her laundry habits haven't changed either, I open up the wicker hamper next to her dresser and pull out a clean tank top for her.

She doesn't even blink when I hand it to her. She just pulls off the clothes she's wearing and yanks it over her head, her hair fanning out from the static.

I'm supposed to walk away. I'm supposed to sleep on the sofa and then leave, get out of her way before she wakes up. I'm supposed to ply her with flowers and favors and everything I can think of until she smiles with me like she does with Jake. But the glimpse of too much skin has clouded my already impaired brain, and I find my feet moving toward her instead of the door.


	62. Chapter 62

For a moment, we're young again. We're standing on her front porch, hoping her dad won't flip on the lights anytime soon. She's sweet and brazen, and I'm floored by the love I feel for her. Her lips are softly demanding, innocent and passionate and willing to give me anything. But the porch has been dark and cold for a long, long time, and the light in her eyes is dim.

I raise her chin and watch her expression, seeing nervousness, doubt, possibly fear. I resist the urge to close my eyes as I lower my head and bring my lips to hers once more, half expecting it to be a huge mistake. But her lips are as soft as they always were.

She tastes of alcohol and shame. Or maybe that's me. I have no idea what I'm doing or why I thought this would be okay, but I'm done with running and hiding and wearing my guilt like a cross. I just know that I love her, and I think she still loves me, and I'm willing to give every one of the hundred years it will take me to make everything up to her.

"I'm sorry," I say, breaking our kiss to whisper the only words I have.

She opens her eyes and stares at me, her gaze flitting around my face as if she's searching for something. Whether she finds it, I can't tell, but she pushes her quilt down and scoots to the far side of the bed, patting the spot beside her as she turns and curls up, facing the wall.

I crawl in beside her and curl around her back, careful not to press too close but holding her nonetheless, and I close my eyes.

"I don't forgive you," she whispers.

"I know."


	63. Chapter 63

Bella drifts off to sleep quickly, that cute, quiet snore announcing her slumber. She twists and turns, kicking off the covers as she dreams, her thin tank top twisting and riding up until I can barely stand it. When she flips toward me, the view is practically pornographic, so I quickly unbutton my shirt and slip it on her. She mumbles incoherently, her eyelids twitching but never opening as I pull her arms into the sleeves and button her up. Once she's dressed and settled, I curl up beside her as her snoring begins again.

It's hours before I find the same peace. A big part of me wants to jump out of the bed and run, run far away from her and everything else I've fucked up. But it's my running that did this to us, did this to _her_ in the first place. And even thought it's my own doing, I don't understand how it got this bad.

Bella's always been such a sweet girl, fearless and strong, and I remember thinking she could stand up to just about anything. When I left, she had her dad, her mom-even if she was a million miles away-and more friends than I could keep track of. Not to mention my own family. They loved her like she was their own, and in a way, she kind of was. She spent her entire childhood at our house, even accompanying us on a couple of family vacations. Even after she graduated and moved in with me in Seattle, we'd been home for dinner with my parents every weekend. They'd promised me they would look out for her, all the while begging me to explain what had happened. But I didn't. And I'd counted on them to take care of her when I couldn't. I'd failed them all.


	64. Chapter 64

Bella's screaming, and I can't see a thing. It's pitch dark, and I'm being pulled and slammed into things, and then it's too bright for me to focus. Perhaps that's why I don't duck.

A sharp crack, followed by blinding pain in my face is all I can focus on. I immediately draw my hand to my nose, nearly passing out from the pain of even a simple touch, and am slightly sickened by the feel of thick liquid running down my palm. I blink rapidly, trying to focus on something, when finally I realize I'm sitting on a patch of grass. Nearby are sounds of a struggle and more of Bella's screaming. Only she doesn't sound scared. She sounds pissed.

I look up to see the hulking figure of Jake, spinning around, trying to detach Bella from his back. Her legs are wrapped around his torso, one hand anchored around a thick chunk of his hair and the other digging into his huge bicep. She lets go of his hair long enough to get in a punch to the head, and then her fingers immediately wrap around the black strands again, tugging and pulling his head back.

I try to pull myself to my feet, but my apparently my legs are still unconscious, and I stumble, slumping back to my knees in the damp grass.

"Edward!" she shrieks, her arms around me before I can even react to her voice. Her hands are on my face, and I jerk back when she touches my nose, clenching my eyes shut against the pain.

"You broke it, asshole!" she yells, and I flinch away from the noise.

"Good," Jake grunts.

More yelling and what sounds like slapping follows, Bella's voice straining and getting so high it's making my ears ring. I fall back on the cool grass and just try to recover myself enough to function. A few minutes later, Bella's back at my side, her hair brushing across my face as she leans over me. I try to say something before I realize my mouth is filled with blood, so I turn my head, spitting it out on the lawn.

A large hand grabs both of mine and pulls me to my unsteady feet.

"What the hell just happened?" I ask as the guy that just tried to kill me is now dragging me back inside.


	65. Chapter 65

Just the touch of whatever frozen food package Bella's holding against my nose makes me want to cry, but the cold is slowly helping. She's alternating between babying me and cursing at Jake, and if I wasn't in so much pain, I'd be enjoying it. But no, I'm in no shape to enjoy anything. I'm hungover, I'm scared to death of losing Bella before I even get her back, and my face hurts like a bitch.

Bella grabs my hand and places it on my makeshift icepack, making me hold it in place as she steps into the small kitchen and begins banging things around. I wince at the loud noise and open my eyes, intending to sob out a plea for her to stop, when I notice her ass hanging out from under my shirt. It seems her shorts are all but transparent, showing a hell of a lot more than I'm comfortable with around Jake.

"Jesus, Bella," I groan, "put some clothes on."

The slamming noises stop, and I look at her gratefully, only to be met by a hurt expression. I'm afraid to even look at Jake. She just stares at me for a few seconds while I gape like a fish as I try to explain away my thoughtless snap. Before the words come, she hurries past me to fly up the stairs.

I'm on my feet in a heartbeat, standing behind her a second later, and stopping her on the bottom step before she can run from me. We're practically eye-level, but she won't even look at me. So I pull her to me, pressing her face into the curve of my neck, and whisper my apology into her hair. "I woke up on the wrong side of the lawn," I joke, and she softly chuckles. She draws back and meets my eyes before her gaze drops to my mouth, and she looks like she wants to kiss me, but she's hesitating. So I carefully press a quick kiss to her lips, making sure a deadly nose-bump doesn't take place, and she gives me a small smile before darting upstairs to her room. And no, I would never stare at her ass as she walks away. Okay, maybe.

I hear movement behind me and spin around, my head aching with the effort, but my natural instinct to defend myself winning out. Instead of catching another fist to my face, though, I find Jake pacing beside the table, his eyes shooting dagger at me.

"What's your fucking problem?" I spit, finally fed up with his animosity.

"You."

"No shit," I say. "Mind explaining why?"

"You're just like the rest of them," he accuses me.

"Them?" I ask, though I'm pretty sure I know the answer.

"Fucking Newton and Yorkie and the rest of those fuckers."

"The hell I am!" I fire back. "Wait…Who's Yorkie?"

* * *

_thanks for sticking around through my fail. this morning i woke up at the dining room table with my computer still open and a place mat pattern stamped into my face. i would just like to point out that i'm only human, and i can only do so many things at once. now, if one of you would kindly call my boss and explain that to him, i'd appreciate it. then maybe i could actually post chapters on time!_


	66. Chapter 66

"Yorkie's that skinny little shit I pulled out of the hotel," Jake explains.

I think I'm going to be sick. "And how exactly am I like them?" I ask, my bravado gone.

"Just can't help yourself, can you?" he taunts. "You don't give a shit about her." He takes a step toward me, and I fight the instinct to back away. "Why are you even here?" he asks. "Fell asleep before you had a chance to sneak away?"

"What?"

"And what about her? She's just supposed to get over you? You just couldn't keep it in your pants, could you?"

"Okay, dumbass, so I guess you were too busy throwing punches to notice I'm _wearing _my fucking pants? And what?" I asked him, gesturing to my feet. "You think I sleep in my shoes?"

"That's not her shirt," Jake says. "You think I'm fucking stupid?"

"I put it on her, okay?" I tell him. "I'm not fucking immune to her. And have you _seen _what she sleeps in?"

"And just why were you in bed with her?"

"Because we were drunk. I'm sure you'd rather I drove off a cliff last night, but I'm not stupid. And if you're so concerned about her, why the hell was she in that hotel room? And what about Newton? If you gave a shit about her, you wouldn't have let her turn into this!"

He just stares at me, half glare, half smirk. It doesn't make sense. Until I hear her gasp.

* * *

_hello? anyone still here?  
my job sucks ass. just thought y'all should know.  
_


	67. Chapter 67

"Leave," she hisses.

"Bella, I – " I start, knowing it's futile, but unable to stop myself, even as Jake's self-satisfied smirk begs to be slapped off his face.

"I said leave!" she yells.

I turn to face her, to beg, to do anything to fix what I've fucked up yet again, when I realize she's not even looking at me. And if looks could kill…well, Jake wouldn't be a problem anymore.

"Bells –" he begins, just as stupidly as I did seconds ago.

"I love you, Jake, but you need to go," she tells him. "We'll talk later."

"Later," he grumbles.

"I'll call _you_," she adds.

I stand there in disbelief as he gives me one last meaningful glare before slamming the door on his way out.

"Bella, I – " I try again.

"You too, huh?" she asks with a dry laugh.

"Um…what?" I don't know what she means. I just know I need to choose my words carefully.

" Oh, don't play dumb now," she chides me. "I know _exactly_ what you think of me, Edward."

"Well, that makes one of us," I say, exasperated. "'Cause _I_ sure as hell don't know what I'm thinking. One minute you're exactly the girl I remember, and the next you're this…this…" I don't even know what to call her. I just know it's not the her I remember.

"This slut?" she finishes for me.

"No!" I yell, quickly dropping my voice when I see her flinch away. "No, I don't think that," I tell her. "I mean, I know you've…had other…relationships," I say. "But I never…I couldn't…" No matter what's happened, that word doesn't fit her.

"Why not? Everyone else does."


	68. Chapter 68

"I can't do this anymore," I tell her.

"Oh, well, that's a surprise," she says sarcastically. "No one's forcing you, Edward. Just go back to your perfect little life, and let me get back to mine." She's pulling away from me, turning and walking into the living room before she even gets all her words out.

"Damn it, Bella!" I snap. "That's not what I mean!"

She freezes, tense, still facing away from me. But then she squares her shoulders and takes another step.

"Fucking hell," I mumble, pulling at my hair and looking toward the door.

I knew I shouldn't have come back to Forks. I fucking knew it! But now that I'm here, I don't know if I'll ever be able to leave. Not without her.

"I can't play these fucking games!" I yell in frustration. "I can't wonder what's fucking true and what isn't!" I storm after her, even more flustered to find her sitting on the sofa, flipping through a magazine like she doesn't have a care in the world.

She barely glances at me before grabbing the remote and turning on the TV.

I'm going to regret this. I know it. But it's not like I can fuck things up more than they already are. And I'm fucking done. The words escape my throat in a roar, tumbling over themselves in anger as I snatch the remote out of her hand and hurl it into the kitchen. The magazine follows, and I grab blindly for something more, anything to take, throw, destroy. Through crimson rage I barely see Bella, scrambling backwards like a crab, fear in her wide eyes as she practically falls over the end of the sofa.

"Why?" I practically roar at her. "Why can't anyone just fucking tell me what's going on? I get it! I fucking get it, okay? I fucked up! I fucked up everything, and I can't fucking fix it, but… Fuck!"

I feel like I'm losing my mind. I know I'm scaring her. Hell, I'm scaring myself. But I can't handle this upside down, backwards, everything's-a-puzzle place I'm in. I don't even know who I am anymore. And I certainly don't have a clue who she is.

"Is this my fucking punishment?" I snap. "I get to be Jake's punching bag while you just…just… Who _are _you?" And then I crumble. "I can't… I just…" I'm choking on my words, the anger in my tears melting, my head throbbing.

And I'm on my knees, panting, pained, finished.

"What do you want to know?" she asks softly.

"Everything."


	69. Chapter 69

"I…I don't know where to start," she says nervously.

"Why Newton?" I ask, figuring I'll get the most painful part of it over with.

She shrugs and picks at her cuticles, "I don't know," she mumbles.

I open my mouth to complain, to tell her that there's no point to this if she's not going to really _say _anything, when she speaks again.

"He was nice, I guess," she says. "He helped me with Dad, you know?"

She looks up at me, like she's waiting for an answer, like I'm supposed to know. So I nod, even though I'm sure I have no idea how hard it all was for her.

"I wasn't very nice to him," she says with a strange laugh. "Maybe that's why he got with Jess."

"Bella –" I start, about to stop her from putting herself down.

She ignores me and continues. "I mean, I guess we were friends for a while. We didn't have a whole lot in common, but we talked. It was good, you know, to have someone to talk to."

I know what she's not saying. Because I wasn't here for her. That's why she needed him.

"And life just got worse and worse… He stuck around though, put up with me. God, if it wasn't for him…" She stares at the wall, seemingly lost in some memory or realization, and the silence stretches on.

Wondering if she plans on finishing that sentence, I finally ask, "What?"

She shakes her head, and drops her voice, kind of like she's ashamed. "He found me," she says.

I hold my breath, fearing her next words.

"I was on all these pills back then. They were supposed to help, you know? Like, I couldn't sleep sometimes, and I was just so…dead inside, I guess. So I finally gave in and just took what they told me to take."

"They?"

"Carlisle, Dr. Foster, my…um…grief counselor." She won't look at me now, and I know she hates this, hates my knowing how weak she was. But I'd have been just as weak. I think anyone would.

"There was this storm, and the power was out, and all the weird shadows from the candles were just freaking me out," she says. "I thought I had the right pills, for sleeping. I just wanted to sleep."


	70. Chapter 70

I reach over lay my hand over hers, half expecting her to pull away. But she doesn't really move. She just stares at the floor as I begin to understand more and more. A stupid decision on my part, a rebound relationship on hers, and a simple accident.

I remember when I was nine, and I thought it would be a good idea to take something without buying it. And again when I was fifteen and thought I'd drive Dad's car when he and Mom were away at some medical thing. And once more when I was a college junior, preying on an innocent high schooler. At least that's how the town gossips had seen it, and I'd apparently been destined for the life of a criminal ever since old Mr. Laringer caught me pocketing a candy bar. They'd labeled me so. Only I'd laughed it off and escaped this town. But not Bella. She got to live with the backhanded comments, the judgment, the smug looks of people who had nothing better to do than remember her mistakes.

"So…Newton saved you?" I ask, kind of pissed that I might owe him something.

"No," she says, laughing. "He found me, and then he ran out of the house, screaming like a girl, and Mrs. Dorsey called the cops. But yeah, I guess he sorta did."

"Why'd you stay with him, Bella?" I ask.

"I don't know," she says, shrugging again. "I was stupid. I was _really_ pissed off. I mean, it's not like I wanted to marry him or anything," she explains, her voice strengthened by anger. "I just…

The more Bella speaks, the more it hurts. Newton fucked her over, and while she claims she never loved him, I don't believe her. She may not have been _in_ love with him, but she loved him nonetheless. He'd been there for her when I hadn't. He'd been her friend, and eventually her lover. And then he'd betrayed her, just as I had. No, I hadn't cheated and then strung her along, no confidence in my decision. He'd flip-flopped back and forth between her and another woman, and while I think he's a fucking idiot, while I want to kill him for hurting her, I know what I did is worse. At least with him, she had a choice. A choice I never gave her.


	71. Chapter 71

Her voice hitches occasionally, and each time it does, my heart stutters right along with it.

"G-go ahead," she stammers. "Ask."

"Ask what?"

"What you want to know," she replies, looking down at her hands.

She's picking at her cuticles again, a sure sign that she's nervous

"Is it…?" I begin, but I stop myself, all the pieces falling into place. Emmett's story about that girl that got knocked up in high school, Mom's observation that I've been listening to rumors, Bella's comment that the town is toxic. I've spent the last few days doing exactly what everyone else has been doing to her for years. "It's not true, is it?"

She quickly looks at me, her surprise evident. I stare right back, my entire being begging for confirmation, watching a million emotions flicker behind her eyes. The corner of her mouth turns up just a fraction, not quite the beginning of a smile. It's enough.

"But… I don't understand," I tell her. "Everyone says…"

"I slept with a married man, Edward, and the whole town knows it. This isn't the kind of place where you can just disappear in a crowd, lay low until something more interesting happens. Unless a serial killer strikes, I'm the only newsworthy thing this town has seen in ages."

And now I understand just how badly I've fucked everything up. I thought I understood before, but I was wrong. I didn't just leave her. I left her completely alone in a world that isn't good enough for her, a world whose judgment is swift and severe, a town where every mistake is numbered and catalogued and never forgiven.

"Why didn't you leave?" I ask. She could have. She could have gone anywhere, no ties here to hold her back, no one to answer to.

"Where would I go?" she asks. "I couldn't even think about school. All my friends were gone, or…well, or they were your family. I've never been anywhere else," she says. "Forks sucks, but at least I know it. I didn't really have anyone until Mike, and now Leah and Jake."

I want to tell her she can come with me, that she has me. But I don't think that's what she's looking for.

* * *

_do me a favor.  
find a story or an author that's awesome but low on reviews, and nominate it for the hidden star awards. the ladies have put a shitload of work into the event, and we all know how many writers in this fandom are lost in the crowd. it'll make someone's day.  
thehiddenstarawards(.)blogspot(.)com _


	72. Chapter 72

"What about you?" she asks, catching me off guard. I've been busy trying to put the pieces together, figure her out. Of _course_ she wants to know about me.

"I'm invisible," I tell her.

She raises an eyebrow.

"What I mean is… Well, I've done well professionally, and that's about it."

"Beats working at a gas station," she mumbles.

"Does it?" I ask. "I mean, yeah, you're not gonna get rich that way, but at least you didn't sell your soul. I gave up everything…_everything_ for some space on a wall."

"Whatever," she says unsympathetically. "At least people respect you."

"That's just it," I insist. "They don't respect me at all. They want me to make them money and get out of their hair. The women just…" Shit. I didn't mean to go there.

"The women just what?" she asks, refusing to let me off the hook.

"They just want status, Bella. Or an excuse to rebel. Or someone to make their husbands jealous." It's true. To be on the arm of whoever people are talking about, to be with the artist when their daddies want them to be with doctors and CEOs, to rub a twenty-something artist in the apathetic husband's face.

"And you help them do that," she says. I think it's supposed to be a question, but it sounds more like resignation.

"No, I don't help them do anything. I can barely help myself."

"I have a hard time believing success in the big city is as miserable as you make it out to be, Edward. I'm sorry, but you have no idea what hard is."

I can feel her pulling away, her tone becoming colder the more she says. And I don't want her to feel sorry for me or feel like I've had it as hard as she has. But I don't want her to think I'm living the dream, either. I walked away from the dream when I walked away from her.

"No, I probably don't," I concede. "But I know what it is to wake up every day for nine years, just wishing I could go back and do it differently. I know what it is to lose someone and have no one to blame but yourself. You're pissed off at the world, Bella, and you're right; it's everyone else's fault. You don't deserve any of the shit that's happened to you. But me? I deserve all of it. And yeah, I'm pissed off, but what the hell am I supposed to do with that anger? I can't take it out on anyone but myself, so it just fucking eats away at me." I'm finally getting answers. I'm finally telling her everything. Maybe we're finally getting somewhere.

Until there's a knock on the door.


	73. Chapter 73

**Sorry about making you all wait. The most wonderful man I'll ever know wasn't immortal after all, and the world became a bit dimmer when he died. Creative things are just hard right now.**

* * *

Bella heads for the door while I duck into the kitchen, wanting to stay nearby in case she needs me, but not wanting to be seen. It can't be Jake, it'd better not be Newton, and if it's anyone else, they don't matter.

I hear the click of the lock releasing and the creak of the door, and then…nothing? The quiet strains my curiosity, but before I can panic and assume she's been chloroformed and kidnapped, I hear her speak.

"Are you here for any particular reason, or do you just enjoy standing on people's porches?"

"Um…" begins a rather nervous sounding voice. "Is this your Jeep, ma'am?"

"Really, Seth? You're calling me ma'am? I'm like two years older than you," Bella says.

"Is this your – ?"

"You know exactly what I drive."

I'm sure if I look now, I'll see her standing there, arms crossed over her chest and one eyebrow raised.

"It…um… It matches a stolen vehicle report, so… I… I'm gonna have to take you in for questioning."

I dart around the corner with some archaic idea of protecting her from whoever this idiot cop is, only to be thrown to the wolves.

"Oh, no you don't," she tells him before spinning around toward me. She raises her finger, pointing directly at me. "You want him."

Anyone else would be laughing, but not me. Nope. I'm standing here gaping like a fucking fish. Is she really telling Gomer here to that I stole it?

He gets a determined look on his face and opens his mouth to speak, so I blurt out, "It's my brother's Jeep!"

That seems to throw him for a second, but then he's right back to his questions. "And he gave you permission to take it?"

"Well, no," I laugh. "But otherwise I'm sure you'd be arresting him for DWI."

"You're gonna need to come with me," he says.

"Sure," I chuckle, as I turn to go back to the kitchen. "Whatever."

I've only taken two steps when I'm suddenly shoved against the wall, my arm yanked painfully behind my back.

"What the – ?"

"You have the right to remain silent," he grits out as I try to fight him off. This fucker looks like he's twelve, and he stronger than Emmett!

"Bella!" I yell. "Tell him!"

"Seth," she begins, as I sigh in relief. "Go easy on him, okay?" she asks through her laughter. "Dr. Cullen didn't press charges last time, so technically this is Eddie's first offense."

_What the fuck?_


	74. Chapter 74

Seven hours later, I'm still asking myself the same question. What the fuck?

Emmett is nowhere to be found, so while there are no charges yet, there's also no one to tell these fucking small time cops that I didn't fucking steal anything. Their idea of an interrogation is laughable, and they aren't very thrilled when I do just that. Laugh. But really, I can't help it. It's pretty damned clear this is one of their more exciting days, and they seem to be reenacting every clichéd scene from cop shows they can think of. Until…

"It's about fucking time!" I yell as Bella approaches my holding cell. I'm instantly on my feet.

Yes, she laughs, for once looking every bit the Bella I used to know.

"Enjoying this, are you?" I ask, anger leaving my voice as I watch her eyes sparkle with amusement.

"You gotta admit," she chuckles, "it is kind of funny."

"For you, maybe," I grouse.

"Oh, come on, Edward," she pouts unconvincingly.

"I've been here for seven hours," I say, almost whining.

"Well, lucky for you, I have these," she gloats, dangling a rather large set of keys in front of me.

"Bella…" I say, a warning in my tone. _Please tell me you came by these legally._

She rolls her eyes. "Seth said you're free to go," she says, shaking her head.

"I shouldn't have even been here in the first place," I complain as she frees me from my cage. "We were finally getting somewhere," I add quietly. "Did you really not want to talk to me?"

She shrugs, turning her back to me and walking away. I hurry my steps to follow her, nearly having to jog to keep up as we exit the station.

"Bella," I say, grabbing her arm and finally stopping her.

She looks around furtively before finally meeting my eyes. "What, Edward?" she practically whispers.

"Is that it?" I ask. "You didn't want to talk?"

"I don't…I don't know what I want," she admits, guiltily tearing her gaze from mine as she kicks at a crack in the sidewalk.

"Do you…_ Could _you…maybe…want me again?" I struggle to ask.

She shrugs, still not meeting my eyes. "Maybe."

* * *

_**Once again, thank you all for waiting so patiently. Apparently bipolar people don't deal so well with grief. I know...shocking, huh? But I'm getting there, and I seem to be able to write again, so this should be the first step to a somewhat regular posting schedule again.**_


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